Fall Down
by spectersanatomy
Summary: After Donna leaves Harvey he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he has driven her away, nor does he want to seek help for the overwhelming waves of anxiety and panic that have begun to take over his life.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm leaving you, Harvey."

As she walked away from him the words rang in his head. He couldn't move, he just stood there, completely speechless, clenching his jaw to stop the tears that were about to roll down his cheeks. He couldn't believe what had just happened, Donna was walking away from him, and it looked like she was moving in slow motion, and that was when it happened.

For the first time in years, he felt his chest tighten as he watched another woman walk away from him; first his mother, now Donna, the person he trusted most, and the person who he had sworn would never leave him.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there for afterwards, but eventually he knew he had to go home, so he did. Not even bothering to call Ray, he walked through the dark streets of New York aimlessly to his apartment. His mind was a whirl with questions, but he could come up with no answers. He wandered about until he couldn't think anymore, and he instead began to look at the city around him.

The buildings towered above him, and the lights shone brightly. Cars zoomed past even at this time of night, and every now and then, a couple would walk past holding hands. He knew that he and Donna weren't that, in fact they were as close as two people can possibly be without being that, but part of him wanted to know if they could be. Right before she said she was leaving, she had told him that she loved him. The man didn't know how to clear his head, and since he was only working himself into more of a state, he eventually found his way back to his apartment.

When he got up there, he just sat down on the couch and stared at the cactus on the coffee table. The man didn't know what he was thinking, or what he was going to do, but eventually he must have fallen asleep because he woke up the next morning still in his shirt with his tie loosely hanging around his neck. His neck ached from how he had slept, and as he sat up groggily, he saw the semi-full tumbler of whiskey he had poured himself the night before.

He wanted more than anything to just sit there and pretend that she didn't leave him, but that wouldn't change anything, so he got changed and left to run and clear his mind. He had to go into the office today and knew people would ask questions if he showed up in his current state of mind. Normally when he went running, he would go at a reasonable speed, just enough to work up a sweat and show off to some people on the sidewalk, but never enough to leave him lying on the ground panting. Today however, he pushed himself until he couldn't go any further at which point he decided it would be best to return to his condo and take a shower.

As soon as he walked through the door, he collapsed onto the bed, but after he caught his breath he realised that, despite how exhausted it had made him, his jog had somewhat relaxed him by getting his mind off of it. Whenever he ran to get rid of stress, he always overdid it, but he didn't care at this point, he just wanted to go in and get the day over with. He got in the shower a few minuted later to wash the sweat off of his body, but when he was under the water, he saw the tremor. This had happened since he was younger, him refusing to show emotion and allowing it to be eat him up inside, but it had been fine, mostly, up until now. He let the hot water run over his body, and that was when he noticed it, he watched his hand shake for a few seconds before holding it with the other, shaking his head and dismissing it as he finished washing himself.

When he got to the firm, he was about to go into his office, when he saw Donna at her desk. His heart almost burst out of his chest from happiness as he considered that she had changed her mind. But when he walked past, she placed a piece of paper in his hand - her notice. Clutching it, he walked slowly into his office, but before he could even sit down, his body slumped into the chair and the piece of paper slowly drifted onto his desk as he lost grip on it, a wrinkle from where he had held it so tightly before. As he sat there, his chest felt as though it was getting tighter and tighter, but he took a deep breath and composed himself, determined not to let this get out of control.

 _She was going to change her mind. She had to change her mind._

He had managed to convince himself that she wasn't going to work for Louis, and the even if she did, it wouldn't last long. His money was on it being just over a week at most before she was back where she belonged.

Lost in thought, he hadn't noticed her standing by the door with another piece of paper.

"Here's a list of replacements. I've given you two weeks notice, and in that time I'll help you find someone - I'm not gonna leave you high and dry."

Her words didn't make sense to him. The idea of her leaving him was unfathomable, but it had never even crossed his mind that he would have to hire someone else, that when he looked out of his door, it wouldn't be her bright red hair that he saw, but would instead be some stranger's.

"Don't bother. I don't need two weeks. If you wanna leave, just leave."

That was how he left it, his vision going so blurry now that he didn't see her wipe away a tear as she walked out of his office absolutely dumbfounded by what he had just said. He wasn't thinking straight, of course he didn't want her to go, but this was the way he thought would be best - a quick fix if you will. The sooner he ripped off the band-aid the better. But that didn't stop the pain he felt in his chest when he next looked out of his door to see her desk empty. There was nothing, no evidence that she had ever been there, and he already missed her.


	2. Chapter 2

Later on, Harvey had finally stopped staring at the empty desk outside his office and had begun to work. Even though she hadn't even been gone a day, he was already swamped without her. Mike had told him some news earlier and he was kicking himself for the way he reacted. He should have been happier for his engagement, but with everything that had just happened with Donna, he couldn't think about relationships. The only thing he wanted to focus on was work, and that was what he planned to do - work until he fell asleep and do the same tomorrow, and the next day until it didn't hurt anymore.

It wasn't that easy though, because although Donna didn't work for him, she still worked at the firm. Every now and then he saw her walk past the conference room he was in, or he would hear her laughing from the staff room. God he missed hearing her laugh. _He missed making her laugh._

Maybe he did love her that way, the way she wanted him to.

He'd been in the meeting for around 10 minutes. He, Mike, Rachel and Jessica were discussing the best way to go about this case and even he could tell that he was unprepared. He had tried his best, but without Donna, his calendar, his schedule, his files and everything else was a mess.

Mike was saying something, something he couldn't quite hear as he looked at Donna through the glass door. He watched as she walked over to one of the associates, handing her a document which he assumed was from Louis. As she turned to leave, he could have sworn their eyes met for a fleeting moment before she turned to walk away. A ringing in his ears began to replace the noise coming from his associate's mouth. He squinted at him, trying to figure out why everything was suddenly going so blurry and why it was moving in slow motion. There was one other noise that was as clear as day, and that was his heart. It was thudding against the inside of his chest, he was almost sure by this point that he was having a heart attack.

Hoping that none of them had noticed he lifted his hand to loosen his tie slightly, becoming aware of the sweat forming on his forehead. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe, almost as though there was something trapped in his airway. He tried to clear his throat, attracting a puzzled look from Mike, and when it didn't work he tried again and again. Worried, Mike turned to face his boss and was rather taken aback by his appearance. He raised his eyebrows at him to see if he was alright, but Harvey didn't seem to respond. He decided to carry on, assuming that he was just in a bad mood about Donna. It wasn't until Harvey excused himself in a rough voice and left rather hurriedly that he started to worry.

As soon as Harvey was out of the room, he could breathe a little better. He went to his office and quickly poured himself a glass of water before dropping to his couch, for some reason exhausted. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to forget the fact that she was gone, trying to stop the repeated loop in his head of her walking out of his office, away from him for what he now thought could be forever. Not wanting to admit to himself or anyone that he was struggling, he returned to his desk and fixed his appearance before starting to work on the files that were beginning to pile up. He had no idea how Donna organised everything, but she sure did a better job than he ever could. After no more than a day of hr absence, he already had mountains of paper beginning to build up on his desk and an empty filing system next to him.

Deciding that he couldn't get work done until he had some clear space, he took the heavy stack and placed it on the table in the corner, then started to make progress. By the time Mike came to check something with him a few hours later, he had completed at least half of what he had to do as well as having slowly started to organise them slightly. It wasn't as intricate or nearly as precise as Donna's flawless system, but it was good enough for now. When he walked through the door, he saw that the man had taken off his blazer, which was neatly draped over the back of his chair, and his sleeve were rolled up to his elbows. He had to admit that he looked a lot better than he had in the meeting.

"I've never actually seen you do your own paperwork before." He joked, hoping to lighten the somber mood in the room.

"Yes, you have."

Despite the frustrated tone in his voice, Mike was sure he heard a glint of sarcasm in the way he responded, assuring him that Harvey wasn't too badly affected by everything that was going on.

They talked for a while longer before both agreed that they had to get back to work. As soon as the younger of the two left and the office was empty, he started to feel alone again. Sure, when he looked out of the door there were people, but they were all slowly starting to head home, and he knew that he would be the only one left in around half an hour. Donna never usually left before he did, keeping him company sometimes until long past office hours just for the sake of it. He knew he would have to stay late tonight, but he also knew that there wouldn't be anyone there with him, and by anyone, he meant Donna.

He once again turned his attention to the paper before him, highlighting, circling and reading for what felt like forever, in fact he didn't glance up until he heard his phone start to ring. He had somehow managed to get lucky and not have it ring since Rachel had answered it earlier that morning, either that or he just had been to engrossed in his thoughts and work to notice. But now that his attention was beginning to falter again, he could hear it ringing. Part of him still expected to hear Donna saying "Harvey Specter's office" through the intercom, but he quickly remembered that that wouldn't happen. He took a deep breath and just as he was about to pick up the phone, he saw a brunette scurrying towards Donna's cubicle, because it will always be Donna's, and do it for him. Rachel turned her head, her hair swaying as she did, and gave him an apologetic look as she scribbled down a message from the caller and then thanked them before hanging up.

Harvey didn't quite know what to say when she walked through the door and handed him the note, offering no explanation for what she had done.

"Rachel, you don't have to-"

Before he could finish she interrupted him.

"I don't mind doing it."

"I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself, I can answer the goddamn phone."

As he spoke she saw tears forming in his eyes, but though it best not to address them, they weren't that close. It seemed to her that he was trying to convince himself that he was capable, not her.

"I know. But I also know how much you relied on Donna, so as much of my time as you need, you can have it."

She smiled and he returned it gratefully.

"I'm not paying you what I pay, I mean used to pay, her though, you give me 12 years and I might re-consider it."

She could see that he was using jokes as a defence mechanism, and gave a small chuckle before turning to walk out of the door.

"I'll be in my office until you leave if you need anything."

He wasn't listening to the last thing she said though. He acknowledged it, but his mind was too caught up on the fact that he didn't pay her anymore. Everything that happened everyday, every week between them had just become a "used to". Ever since they came to the firm he had been paying her out of his own pocket, and she never knew. She was worth more than the standard rate that Jessica could pay her and he doubted that Louis could afford to pay her that much, so she was bound to find out sooner or later.

He sighed once more as he got back to his work, occasionally stopping to take a breath and refocus himself on the task at hand. Since last night, his mind had kept wondering off, thinking about Donna, about how much he looked forward to seeing her when he woke up every morning, and how much he enjoyed their banter, the way they both made exceptions for the other. It wasn't until he picked up his pen to write something that he saw it, his hand was shaking again. This time, he reached for it with the other immediately, grabbing it tightly and squeezing his eyes shut for what felt like the hundredth time that day.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been two days since he freaked out in that meeting, and since then he had managed to keep his emotions relatively under control. He would be lying if he had said that every time he saw her his heart didn't start to beat faster, or that every once in a while he sat and stared at the thumbtacks that he hadn't dared remove from his desk. But he was doing relatively better than he had been before.

Since that night, Rachel had become his interim secretary. She didn't do everything that Donna used, to, that would be unreasonable, but she did help him to stay on top of things and answered the phone for him. In return he cut her some slack when it came to associate work and tried not to go too hard on her when he was in a mood. She understood though, they all understood. Everyone except Louis, that was.

Since Donna moved to his desk he had been unimaginably annoying. Any excuse he could find to rub it into Harvey that she now worked for him, he took, and he didn't care about the time or the place. What he failed to understand was that this was not like any of their other bets to Harvey. He hadn't minded giving Louis money, he didn't like it, but he hadn't minded doing it because he could accept that he'd lost. With Donna, it was different. To put it in her own words, she wasn't a prize you win at the fair ground, and he didn't see her that way. He had realised in the last three days how valuable she was to him, how much he needed her to do his job, because he couldn't be him without her.

Jessica, unlike everyone else, didn't let it go. She kept an eye on Harvey. When he left the DA's office to join the firm, he only had one condition, and that was that she came with him. When she fired Donna, he struggled to manage with someone outside his office. They had a bond so special that she didn't know how was coping now that it was broken. From what she had seen in the last few days, it wasn't very well.

She knocked on his glass door later that evening to see him sat on his couch. Donna wasn't the only woman who knew Harvey well. Whilst Jessica might not be able to give a full analysis of every aspect of him, she could tell what he was feeling. He had taken off his suit jacket and hung it messily over the back of a chair, his legs were spread apart and he was bent over them, a glass of whiskey hanging between two of his fingers.

"Harvey, we need to talk."

She entered, not bothering to wait to be invited in and sat down.

"Look, I'm really not in the mood for a lecture so-"

Before he could finish, she interrupted him.

"I'm not here to give you a lecture, I'm here to talk to you about what's going on."

She took a pause as he took a sip of his drink.

"Are you okay?"

His lack of eye contact and silence told her he wasn't.

"Okay, let's start with something easier, why is Rachel Zane sat outside your office?"

"She's my new secretary."

Jessica took a breath and shut her eyes for a second before glancing out of the glass doors, trying to decide if what she was about to say was worth it. She saw Rachel, her brunette head buried in some kind of paperwork and then she sighed as she jumped when the phone rang, scrambling to answer and grab a piece of paper to write the message.

"She's not your secretary, Harvey. She's not a secretary, she's an associate."

"It doesn't matter, it won't last long anyway."

He was doing it again. Convincing himself that this Donna situation wasn't permanent, trying to tell himself that she would be back outside his office in no time like nothing had happened.

"Have you thought about what's gonna happen if she doesn't come back?"

Of course he had. It had been the only other thing on his mind besides picturing her walking back to him. The only problem was, he still didn't know what would actually happen. He knew it would hurt. He knew it would take a lot out of him. But now, thinking about never seeing her outside his office again, never hearing her hum to herself on the intercom, never seeing her pull faces through the glass when Louis was talking, he knew it would kill him.

When he next fully focused on everything around him, Jessica was gone. She had an annoying habit of doing that - making him question his choices, reach some sort of realisation, and then being gone before he can shout at her for making him feel something.

After finishing his drink, and then having a couple more, he decided to head home. On his way out of the building, he walked past Louis' office, to see if she was still there. She wasn't. Louis was still inside though, talking to his dictaphone like it was his best friend. As he walked past her desk, he couldn't hear his voice on the intercom and felt a little joy in his chest for the first time in what felt like forever.

She didn't listen to all his private conversations.

She didn't stay at the office until ridiculously late with him just because.

Those were things that were just between them, and he had thought that only he thought that, but now, he was starting to think that maybe she thought so too.

When he got down to the lobby, Ray was waiting for him outside, and when Harvey got into the car, he commented on the smile his boss was wearing.

"I just, got some good news." Harvey explained, not elaborating any further, and then sat there in silence for the rest of the journey.

When Harvey finally got back to his apartment, he opened the door and went to the kitchen. He opened the cupboard and started to prepare himself something to eat. It was a little late for dinner so he opted to just make some toast, promising himself that he was going to make time to prepare a proper meal at some point. He ate and then showered, taking as much time as he wanted before drying himself and getting dressed.

Then, he went to sit on the couch and grabbed his laptop. It had just occurred to him that he had not actually done any work since Donna left, and he figured that he should take advantage of this good mood and try to do something constructive. As soon as he opened it, around 20 emails pinged through from Mike with documents that he had found and wanted him to look at. He normally would have just told him to do it himself, but instead, he started to click through the pages, highlighting things and adding notes for later review. Even he had to admit that his late night work was not always very productive so he would have to check it all again in the morning.

He began to get so engrossed in what he was doing, that for a while, he forgot about everything bad that was going on in his life and focused on the one thing that had been a staple for over 12 years - his job. Once he finished he glanced at the time. It was late - so late that it could now be considered early the next morning. He decided that he should call it a night and get some sleep, because as much as he hated to say it, he really was exhausted - he hadn't had a good night's sleep since she left, but tonight felt like a good night to do so.

He powered off the computer, making sure to save everything before he did, and placed it on the counter. Then, he piled up the papers that he had been referencing next to it and headed to his room. He did all the boring bathroom stuff, then decided to grab a glass of water before climbing into bed. The tap in the kitchen was warm, so he had t wait a while for the water to cool down before he could fill the glass in his hand and head back to his room. Standing in that dark room for a few minutes waiting must have let his mind wander again, though, because when he went to place the cup down on his bedside table, he noticed little ripples in the water. It took him a second to realise that he was causing those ripples.

His hand was shaking again.

He hurriedly placed the glass down, but this time, just watched it shake for a while. Eventually it stopped and he pulled back the duvet. As he rolled over he tried to push it out of his mind and to convince himself that there was nothing wrong, but it was becoming harder and harder to ignore. Something was going on with him.

The shaking hand.

The breathlessness.

The headaches.

And from what he could tell, it wasn't gonna stop anytime soon.


	4. Chapter 4

Mike had noticed some changes in Harvey since Donna left, but he knew his former boss well enough to know that he wouldn't talk to him about it, so he never brought it up. He had had a few days to adjust, and appeared to be getting back to his old self, completely throwing himself into his case and not showing any signs of faltering. Although, when he thought about it, he may have been throwing himself into his work too much.

He was in the zone, completely immersed in the document before him when he heard Harvey's voice. He sounded pissed. Great. Although he didn't work for him directly anymore, he still felt a little panicked when he heard him raise his voice and began to think of everything he could have possibly done wrong.

"I gave you one job, to find every single one of Slattery's creditors, and you screwed it up."

Harvey was fuming, maybe unnecessarily, after all it was only one name, and Mike told him that, then that he didn't miss any.

"Goddamn Rachel."

"This isn't Rachel's fault."

Mike sprinted after Harvey as he headed off to Rachel's office, trying to stop him before he did or said anything that he would regret. He needed Rachel to be working for him, but Mike didn't want her to have to deal with his constant changes in mood, she was already stressed enough with law school and he didn't want her to faint again.

"Harvey you better wrap your head around the fact that Donna is gone and she is not coming back."

It was his last resort to get the man to stop, and it did the job. Harvey stopped dead in his tracks, taking a second to register what he had just said to him and breathing in sharply before turning around and staring at him.

"And I told you, it's not gonna last with her and Louis."

That was the only thing he could say that sounded sort of nice. If he hadn't bitten his tongue or stopped he would have said something much harsher which would have ended up leading to a screaming match.

"You keep saying that, but all I see is Donna outside Louis's office and no one outside yours. So you better ask her for help, or hire a new secretary, but stop taking it out on Rachel."

He didn't know what made him walk over to her desk, call it pride, or maybe he was just so desperate to see her, fooling himself into thinking that she would actually agree to come back to him after the way he had snapped at her the other day.

"Donna, I'm drowning."

"You should have thought about that before you turned me down."

Her tone was harsh, and she had an icy glare in her eyes, a look she had never given to him before. He had never seen her look at him with such coldness and resentment, it was unsettling and for some reason, one that he couldn't explain, he started to get annoyed with her, even though deep down he knew what she was saying was reasonable - he just hated the way it made him feel.

"Do you know how hard it is for me to swallow my pride and come over here?"

She didn't notice the quietness or the slight shaking in his voice. She was to busy getting angry to notice that he had shut his eyes, that he had grabbed the edge of her cubicle for support or that, despite his best attempts to keep it steady, his other hand was trembling beyond control.

"Do you know how hard it is for me to say no to you?"

She was growing angrier and angrier, so much so that she, the woman who knew Harvey better than anyone, didn't notice him basically falling apart in front of her.

"Donna, please." His voice was basically a whisper at this point, and he could barely hear what she said next over the sound of his beating heart.

"I'm sorry, Harvey, you're on your own."

The sound was still there, but it sounded like he was underwater. Everything around him started to distort, sounds were distant, everything was blurry, each person that passed him was moving in slow motion. The fading noise was replaced by ringing, and instead of heading to his office, this time he went to the bathroom. He was glad to find nobody there and headed over to the mirrors.

He let himself lean against the counter to stop him from falling to the ground, and as he looked up, he barely recognised himself. He was pale, his eyes had dark circles beneath them and there was sweat glistening on his forehead. He suddenly felt himself get really dizzy and his breaths started to get faster and faster, shallower and shallower. His stomach rolled over on itself and he found himself running into the closest stall and emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

Once he had thrown up, he sat on the floor and leant against the wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest and grabbed them tightly with his hands until they turned white from the grip. He felt his back moving away from the wall every time he inhaled and falling back every time he exhaled. The feeling was unbearable - he felt like he was suffocating. Every breath he took was strained, ti was like there wasn't enough air around him to fill his lungs.

His head, it felt so light, everything was blurry. He knew he was hyperventilating; the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide was all wrong and he could feel everything spinning around him. His hands, they were tingling so much that he thought he would never be able to feel them again.

His throat felt restricted, so he hurriedly reached up to his neck and loosened his tie, his hands scrambling to try and get a grip. He finally managed to pull it loose, and he let out a pant. He thought it had worked, but it hadn't. For a split second he had some sort of hope that this had passed, but it hadn't.

He thought back to his childhood, when his father used to come home after a tour, how happy he used to be to see him. He remembered the overjoyed look on the man's face when he embraced his wife, and the guilty look on hers. He remembered how his dad was the only person there for him when everything went south, when everything started to fall apart. Since he was young, although most wouldn't believe it, he had put an enormous amount of pressure on himself, to always win, to always be the best, and his father was the only one who could calm him down. He thought back to how he used to look him in the eyes and breathe with him.

Eventually, the thought of his father's faded blue eyes calmed him slightly. He took a couple more deep breaths, making sure he was completely okay before he stood again and went to wash his face. The cold water was nice, and it felt good to swish it in his mouth, getting rid of the lingering taste of bile. He looked in the mirror as he dried off his hands and pulled his tie back up around his neck. To everyone else, he would have looked normal, but even his sharp appearance couldn't mask the fact that this was really affecting him.

He pulled open the door and left the men's room, returning to his office and sitting at his desk. He looked over at the whiskey on the table, but shook his head. He didn't want to become dependent on it - he had seen way too many people use it to cope with their problems, and that was not him. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but it sure as hell wasn't going to be that.

He forgot how tired panic attacks made him. He felt as though someone had sucked all of the energy out of him, but it was only 2 o'clock in the afternoon - there was no way he could go home. Everyone would ask questions and he didn't want to deal with that. Instead, he decided to try and do some work. He had to somehow fix the mess that Rachel had made and he knew it wouldn't be easy. Looking over the papers hurt his already throbbing head, but it also distracted him, and before he knew it, several hours had passed and Mike was coming to tell him that he was heading home for the night.

The older man agreed to accompany him, already picturing climbing into his comfortable bed and falling asleep. Maybe, he thought, if he got a good night's sleep he wouldn't keep getting this anxious and overwhelmed.

"Hey, so I know things have been a bit hectic recently, but do you wanna go out for drinks in a few days, you know to celebrate my engagement?"

He thought about it for a second, he wasn't sure if he would have the energy to do it, but then decided that it would be a good way to distract himself. Maybe a night out with his friend and a drink was what he needed to forget about Donna and everything that was shit about his life at that moment in time.

"Sure, what time?"

"I'll let you know tomorrow morning, I need to check with Rachel."

By the time they had finished talking, they were at the doors and said goodbye to each other before heading their separate ways. Harvey was glad to see Mike climb into a car instead of onto his bike, he was glad the bike was gone full stop, that thing was an accident waiting to happen. As soon as he was in the back of Ray's car, he let out a yawn, and his driver looked at him sympathetically. He made an effort to get home quickly and Harvey was grateful.

As soon as he got back, he went straight to his room and practically ripped off his suit before putting on a t-shirt and some joggers and climbing into bed. He didn't realise until he lay down how exhausted he actually was, and before he knew it, he's eyes were closing, and his mind was beginning to wander beyond him control, he could only hope that he could at last get one night of uninterrupted sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

He took in a deep breath, then exhaled, focusing on only that. It was the only thing keeping him moving forward, his heart pounding, his forehead sweating. His muscles ached as he felt the cold New York City air hit his skin, but he had to keep going. One step. Another step. His feet thudded as they hit the pavement. Just a few more. He opened his mouth to get more air in, determined not to stop until he had gone further than yesterday, when he had run further than the day before. It had become a nice, but gruelling, challenge he had set for himself.

Ever since she left, he had found running to be a good release. It really allowed him to let out all of the constant energy he had, that he knew would turn into panic if he didn't do something to use it up.

When he got back to the apartment, he was flat out exhausted, but after having a shower and sitting down for a moment, he felt pretty good, all things considered. Just as he did every morning he sat and read the paper as he sipped his coffee. He had read online that decaf would reduce his anxiety levels, but he would never be able to work the hours he did without caffeine.

After enjoying the peace and quiet, his mind wandering peacefully, and for the first time in days not thinking about her, he tidied away the plates and his mug and headed out of his apartment. Ray was waiting for him downstairs, greeting him cheerfully as he climbed into the vehicle.

As he walked into his office, the woman sat at Donna's desk greeted him, Gretchen. She was no Donna, but she would do, at least until this whole thing blew over. She was good though. Unlike the temp he had had when she was fired, Gretchen had kept all of the filing systems and his calendar just as she had had it, in fact, he was pretty sure he had seen her talking to the redhead, making notes to ensure that she could get it right for him.

He slightly missed having Rachel there, seeing a familiar face when he looked out of the door, but he was also glad he had a proper secretary. Rachel had a tendency to get slightly flustered when the work load was piling up, struggling to resolve tricky scheduling issues, or answer the phone whilst doing a billion other things. There was nothing wrong with that though, after all, she wasn't really a secretary.

He put his things down and then settled in his chair, slightly annoyed to be disturbed when heard her through the intercom.

"Mr Specter, Ms Pearson would like to see you in her office, now."

As he walked off, he thought to himself how strange it was to have his secretary call him Mr Specter. She had always just called him Harvey, but then again, she was kind of an exception.

When he got to her office, he walked straight through the door, not bothering to knock or anything. He saw that she was on a call, but for some reason, he was incredibly impatient. It could have been his lack of sleep, or his increasing levels of anxiety, and the stress of not having her at his desk, but he snapped.

"What do you want?' He asked, walking over to her desk and slamming his hands on it. 'I'm swamped and I need to get back to work, I still need to prepare for…"

Before he could finish her sentence, she said she'd call whoever she was on the phone with back, and stood up to match him, placing her hands in a similar position.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? I wanted to see you, but you will wait until I'm ready to, understood?"

She was beginning to lose her temper with him. She understood that Donna had left him, but he had to get a grip on himself. He had a new secretary, he had had time to deal with it, and she needed him to do his job properly - they were losing money, and he was distracted from all of his cases.

"Well you're free now, so what do you want?"

She scowled and bit her tongue before she said anything that would hurt him - she may be angry with him, but she didn't want to kick a man while he was down.

"We're moving the partner's meeting to today, some of them have had to reschedule client meetings so you'll give your financial summary then. I've sent the details to Gretchen."

"What do you mean you're moving up the meeting? I've hardly had any time to prepare."

He probably should have disputed her claim that he _had_ had plenty of time and said that he needed more, but he didn't, instead, he said he could manage. He wasn't about to tell the managing partner of his firm that he couldn't do his job because he was having panic attacks and losing sleep over a girl, no matter how special to him she was.

By the time he got back to his office, Mike was waiting there for him, sat on the couch like it was his own.

"So, we still good for tonight?" The young man asked, observing him rummaging around for something. He was so distracted, he didn't even tell him to take his feet off the table.

"Have you seen my phone?" Was all he got in response, "I need to make a call, it's important. I swear it was just here.."

Mike watched as he began to talk to himself, not really acknowledging him there at all. The man was pacing around, lifting up stacks of paper, checking the same place over and over. His fingers were on his temples as he tried to think. He had never seen him so flustered before. He sat up, taking his feet down and leaning forward, ready to stand and go over to him.

"It's right by your computer, Harvey." He said calmly, trying to get through to him.

"Thanks, and do you have those file-"

"I left them right there, your hand is resting on them."

Sure enough, when the lawyer lifted his hand, he saw a pile of folders and papers stacked up neatly, with a sticky note label on them. He stared at them, but couldn't quite remember what he wanted them for. Beginning to wrack his brain, he started to zone out again, and Mike watched him, concerned, and unsure as to whether or not he should intervene.

"Mr Specter, there is a Mr Slattery waiting for you in Conference Room C."

He was drawn out of his thoughts by Gretchen coming in. He thanked her, but to both of them it seemed as though he were a million miles away, which became more apparent when he walked out of the room slowly, reaching the door and looking as though he had already forgotten where he was going. Mike went to grab the files that he had left on his desk, and then repeated to him,

"Conference Room C."

The lawyer didn't really acknowledge the comment, just walked out of is office and turned to go to the meeting.

Throughout the whole thing, he was flicking through the documents, trying to find the relevant information. He didn't know why he was struggling so much, and his head was beginning to ache as he noticed that he was clenching his jaw tightly. He thought he had muddled through it, but the confused expression on Slattery's face said otherwise as Harvey left him in there and just walked off. Mike then went in to apologise and discussed the case with him properly, confused as to why Harvey was acting like this. He tried to push it to the back of his mind though, assuming it had something to do wit the absence of their red-headed friend outside his office.

By the time the partners meeting rolled around that afternoon, he found himself just grasping at strings, trying to figure what he was doing. The rest of his day had been spent desperately trying to understand the block of numbers before him, but for some reason, it didn't make any sense. He and Louis took it in turns to do the financial summaries for the month, it was because of something Jessica had said about shared responsibility and blah, blah, blah, he wasn't really listening. Eventually it was his turn to speak and everyone was facing him, the only problem was, his mind was blank.

"Harvey, numbers…" Jessica said quietly, turning to face the man next to her, expectantly waiting for him to deliver.

"Yes, numbers, so if you all look…"

He stopped. If they all look at what? He was desperately trying to find the information on the piles of paper in front of him.

"It's been a strong month, numbers wise, especially…"

Another long silence filled the room, and he could feel everyone's eyes on him, but he couldn't see the words on the page through the tears that were starting to form kaleidoscopes in his own. He was relieved when he heard another voice start to speak, and blinked quickly, wiping away the tears that rolled down his face before any one could see them.

He listened to Louis speak, and as he looked up he caught Jessica's gaze. Embarrassed, he looked away, but she kept her eye on him, not obviously, but she had seen the tears. She had never seen Harvey stumble like that, fall apart. Not even his father's death or Scottie leaving had thrown him off his game this much.

When the meeting was over, he headed back to his office, instructing Gretchen not to let anyone in, under any circumstances. Jessica returned to hers as well, but found herself unable to focus on the case file before her. Instead, she sat there wondering if she should go and speak to Donna, or Mike, or even Louis - okay maybe not Louis - but she had to do something. She couldn't watch her best lawyer collapse before her. But he was stubborn, he would never admit to needing help. She had noticed though.

His constant trips to the bathroom. His generally fatigued face. The fact that he stumbled on his words and occasionally allowed his eyes to flood with both panic and tears, only for a moment, but it was there. What worried her the most though, was the alarming amount of times she had seen him place his hand to his heart, as though it was paining him. She knew his father had a heart attack and was not about to let him have one too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** So, first of all I want to thank you all for the incredibly nice comments I have received both on this story and any others. Secondly, this chapter was incredibly difficult to write, so I would love to know what you all think!

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That evening, he was in the office, it was late. Not many others were there, and he knew that he was meant to be meeting Mike for drinks to celebrate his engagement. He looked out of his door to the desk, half expecting to see Donna's face looking back at him, or her head nestled in some paper work. He used to sit there and watch her as she programmed everything into his calendar before she checked it carefully and printed it out for him. Whenever she was really focusing, her tongue would poke out of the corner of her mouth and she would squint her eyes slightly causing a crease between her eyebrows. He would never admit that he watched her, he didn't even notice he was doing it sometimes, but now, looking out and seeing an empty desk, he realised just how much he had become accustomed to seeing her there.

That's when it happened again, his hand started to shake, but this time, he knew that it was something more than just a tremor. He looked at the time in the corner of his laptop screen. The whole thing kept zooming in and out of focus, but he could see it, only just.

"Damnit."

His hand still shaking, he picked up his phone and clicked Mike's name in the long list of contacts. He waited as it rang, not quite sure what he was going to say, in fact his mind was absolutely blank, he couldn't think clearly.

"Harvey, hey"

Mike answered the phone and waited expectantly for him to say something.

"Uh, what can I do for you?" Harvey asked, it was the only thing that came to his mind.

"Uh, well you called me right?"

The younger of the two could sense that something was wrong, but he waited for the other to answer. The lack of sarcasm in his voice and the fact that he offered help just like that was concerning.

"Right, of course. Sorry I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight, I got caught up at the office."

He was lying through his teeth. It was the only thing he could think of to stop Mike from being angry with him for not coming - though he doubted he believed it.

"Come on are you serious?" As Mike asked he sounded rather annoyed, but he also considered that Harvey just decided that he didn't want to come, maybe he found out that others were coming too. Something seemed off though.

"I really wish I could be there it's just one of those things, you know?"

That set Mike's mind racing. There weren't many things that would keep Harvey away from a bar, especially since Mike was paying, and his reluctance to tell him made him even more curious. Also, they were working on this case together, there was no work that had to be done tonight.

"Okay, well whatever, we can reschedule right?"

He didn't even get an answer, the phone just hung up, and that was when Mike knew he had to check up on his friend. He knew that he'd been having a rough time since Donna left him and he had also noticed little things were different. He was more snappy than usual and that was saying something, not to mention the fact that he felt as though they hadn't spoken properly in days, everything he said was met with a yes, no, or do it your goddamn self. He was distant. It was almost impossible to actually have a coherent conversation with him.

Mike had invited others to come that night. He wasn't sure that Harvey would have been too pleased to see Harold Gunderson, but at that moment he completely forgot about the others who were coming and practically sprinted out of the building. He found himself running frantically through New York, and when he finally reached Pearson Specter Litt he rushed into the elevator and went up to the 50th floor. Since starting, he had made the journey to Harvey's office countless times, he was convinced he could get there with his eyes closed, and as soon as the doors dang open that was where he headed. When he reached the glass panel, he was shocked, and didn't quite know what to do or say.

"Harvey."

Despite him saying the man's name, he got no response. He stopped dead in his tracks, needing a moment to fully take in what he was seeing.

Harvey was sat on the floor leaning against the couch, one hand on the table, the other on the floor beside him. His forehead was glazed with sweat and his eyes were squeezed tightly shut, but that didn't stop the tears from pouring down his face. His chest was rising and falling at a ridiculous rate, but besides that, he didn't seem to be moving at all.

Mike did the only thing he thought of, which in any other circumstance would have been completely unacceptable, he sat next to him and pulled his body towards him. It didn't take much. He wasn't even sure Harvey knew he was there. The older man's head was resting on Mike's chest, and his hand was squeezing his leg tightly. He could feel his shaking body against his own as the lawyer sobbed and struggled to catch his breath.

They sat there like that for a while, and after some time, Mike started to panic too. He didn't show it, but he was absolutely terrified. He moved slightly and lifted Harvey's head off of him so he could look into the man's now opened eyes.

"Harvey? Harvey please say something. Anything."

There was a long pause, then he took a deep breath.

"I can't see, Mike."

The man's words sent a pang of guilt into his chest. He had noticed for the past few days that his boss was struggling, and he had brushed it off, assuming that he would be okay, but looking at him now, he evidently wasn't. He wasn't sure if it was the tears welling in Harvey's eyes that were affecting his vision, or if there was a more scientific explanation. He remembered having read something about how when you panic, your brain tunnels your vision to help you protect yourself. Either way, he had to do something.

Mike didn't know what to do to help him, so he did the only thing he could think of - he called Donna. It was definitely risky, but he couldn't bear to see Harvey Specter in such a state of blind panic, Donna was the only person who knew him better than he did.

Harvey was still sat on the floor shivering slightly when Mike got up to make the phone call. Although he couldn't really see the other man, he still felt his friend move away from his body, and he felt significantly less grounded, unsteady. Despite pressing his hand into the table, the other turning white from were it was making firm contact with the ground, he felt like he was falling. The only thing that seemed to help him was to clench his eyes shut, taking it one shaky breath at a time. He wanted to snap out of it so badly, but it was like he couldn't feel anything that was happening to him. It was almost as though he was watching himself from another body. This wasn't him, this wasn't happening to him. He had gone from feeling submerged under water to watching himself drown, silently screaming to try and do something, completely frozen.

He opened his eyes again, trying to see if he could see, but everything was moving slowly. There was less of a blackness surrounding everything than there was before, now it was all blurred and distorted. He still couldn't move though, something was freezing him there, keeping him rooted to the spot. He could vaguely see a red-headed figure come into the office; she looked as though she was running, her flailing arms and the way she hurried over to him told him so, but she was moving far too slowly for that to be the case. She was flashing in and out of his vision, and everything around him was starting to become more unclear if that was at all possible.

With each breath he took, sharply inhaling and hurriedly pushing the air out as it did not suffice to fill his lungs, his body became weaker and weaker. He was relieved when he felt the familiar curve and warmth of her body beside his, collapsing into it, no longer able to support himself.

For Mike, it felt like years until she got there, but when she did, he felt a wave of relief rush over him; she would know what to do - she always knew what to do.

When Donna got Mike's call, she was just about to go into her apartment, but she turned and ran to the office, not caring what an idiot she looked like. By the time she arrived, she had her shoes in her hands but immediately dropped them as soon as she saw Harvey on the floor, completely paralysed. For the first time ever she didn't know what to say.

"Mike, call 911."

It was the only thing she could suggest, and while he did, she hurried over, basically collapsing at his side, embracing Harvey. She had never been so terrified in her life. He felt so small, there in her arms. He wasn't moving, his body was limp but tense at the same time. He felt broken, and she couldn't help but feel a little responsible. Tears were streaming down her face, but she made no effort to stop them, she just held onto Harvey as though her life depended on it - for all she knew, his could have.

As they waited for the ambulance, Donna kept herself moderately composed, trying to comfort Harvey in the best way she could, but she got no response from him. Besides leaning into her, it was as though she was not there at all. However, once they arrived, everything started to feel like a movie, like someone else's life. She felt her body about to crumble, but Mike came and engulfed her in a hug before she could fall. She clung onto him for dear life as she watched everything unfold before her tear-filled eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

His bag felt too heavy in his arms as he lugged it into his apartment. He had had it at the hospital with him for the last few days, Donna had brought it down. Somehow, she had managed to pack the exact things he would moan about not having, but nothing extra - she knew him too well. It was this redhead also, who had not let her eyes off of him since he had been taken there a few nights ago, despite his constant insistence that she should go home and rest. She had assured him that the couch in the hospital was plenty comfortable enough. Even the doctor had told her to leave, it was the psychiatric ward after all, but she had somehow managed to convince him to let her stay. Since he got there, he had been on some kind of medication to calm him down and lessen his stress and anxiety, but all it seemed to be doing was making him tired, and extremely weak.

He was glad that everyone had come to visit him, but if there was one thing he couldn't stand it was pity - and that was all he seemed to be getting. He didn't mind Donna fussing over him, she had earned the right to behave like his mother and ask him how he was every ten minutes, because their bond was different. They weren't just friends, or colleagues. When she asked him how he was, she already knew part of the answer, and genuinely cared about the other half of it. But he also knew that she would respect what he said, and whatever he decided to do.

Mike, on the other hand, would definitely be a helicopter parent. He was the kind of person who liked to go all in and try to help, which just resulted in him annoying Harvey. Every time he fluffed the man's pillows, asked him to meditate with him, or offered to help him go to the toilet, he felt useless. He could also tell that his associate had been googling things. He had come in that morning practically regurgitating remedies for stress and talking about the importance of mindfulness. While this skill was helpful in the office when they had to get something done fast, other than that it was extremely irritating. Luckily for him, he had too much medication in him to really comprehend what he was saying.

Rachel had been helpful, but if he was honest, it felt awkward for both of them. Their main topics of conversation were Donna, Mike or work, so she never really came to visit alone. He could tell she cared though, she wouldn't have given him all that help before if she didn't.

Jessica was more shocked than anything. She had known something was going on with him, but when Mike had called her from the hospital, she was pretty terrified. Unlike the others, she hadn't visited much. With Harvey not at the firm, she had to make sure that everything was running smoothly and that people didn't ask too many questions. The last thing he would want would be for people to find out, so keeping an eye Jack Soloff was pretty high up on her to do list.

Louis, however, had been the most annoying. He was being nice, he was being caring, but Harvey hated every second of it. He knew it wasn't the man's fault, but he blamed him for what had happened, and further more, he could tell that deep down, he was enjoying it a bit. Seeing that he had a flaw gave Louis something at which he was better than Harvey, and it made him feel sick to think of it.

Dropping the bag on the floor, he practically collapsed onto the couch and watched as Donna scurried in behind him. She had managed to convince everyone else to go to the office and get some work done. Contrary to his argument, they had decided to take care of him in shifts. His point that he didn't need to be babied was ignored and between the two of them, Donna and Rachel had come up with a fully colour-coded visiting schedule complete with tasks for each person to do whilst they were there. The man couldn't quite believe it when they showed him, noticing that there was no blank space. All he wanted was a little alone time, and that was one thing he didn't see himself getting in the next couple of weeks.

Donna immediately started to busy herself around the apartment, putting away his things, looking to see what food there was, but when she glanced behind her and saw him sat completely still on the sofa, she stopped what she was doing and went to sit next to him.

"Harvey," she said placing her hand on top of his, "it's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay."

He didn't say anything for a while. He didn't know what to say. For the last few days all that had been on his mind was a fuzzy loop of that night at the office. Seeing her sobbing. Watching her panic. Feeling her shaking. He couldn't imagine how she must have felt seeing him like that. The hospital visits were a bit blurry. The whole time he was there, he had been very well medicated, but he could still remember certain moments. Like when he first woke up and saw her there. Or when he felt her hand squeeze his tightly even though his eyes were closed. Or when he faintly heard he talking to him as he rested.

"Thanks, Donna."

The mood in the room was somber. Too somber for the redhead's liking. Sure, there were moments to be serious, but now was not a time for that, she wanted to see him smile, laugh.

"I can't believe it." She said, feigning shock and surprise.

"Can't believe what?" He asked.

"That Harvey Specter actually thanked me for something I've done for him."

He started to smile slightly.

"It's too much."

His smile transformed into a giggle, his eyes lighting up as he watched her pull exaggerated, dramatic faces in front of him, a massive grin plastered across her face. He had always loved this side of her - the one people hardly ever saw at the office. This part of her was more free, fun. She had always loved drama and acting, and watching her do something that made her so happy, that made her grin like a Cheshire Cat, made him just as happy.

He wasn't sure if it was out of habit, and it probably was, but his hand caught the bottom of his gaze and his heart almost skipped a beat when he thought about it. He glanced down, ready to see it trembling before him, a sign that he would soon have another episode like the one he had just experienced.

But he was wrong.

What he saw when he glanced down was a perfectly still hand, resting on his knee. Sure it looked a bit weak, but that was from the meds. He couldn't help but feel more joy. Things were starting to look up. Maybe she was right, maybe he would be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

For the first time in ages, Harvey looked genuinely relaxed, granted, he was asleep, but still. Mike and Rachel had finally managed to get Donna to leave Harvey's apartment and get some rest, so whilst his fiancée kept her eyes on her, Mike was looking after Harvey. He looked so much better than he had at the hospital.

Mike remembered the first time they had let him visit him. It was the day after they had taken him in. He had spent the entire night there, pacing outside his room, frustrated that he couldn't see him. Donna had been an absolute mess, she had just sat there, tears rolling down her face, not saying a word. He had called everyone he could think of, and had nothing more he could do other than wait. Every so often, a machine would start to beep in the older man's room and people would rush in. He never knew what was going on - they wouldn't tell him anything.

When they had finally let him in, he was completely unconscious. He was just lying there, he presumed knocked out from whatever drugs he was on. The nurse had told him he was sedated, but Mike hadn't expected him to look like this. He didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't that. It was then for the first time that he had noticed how truly worn out Harvey was. His skin was rough, pale in colour; there was a slight stubble growing on the bottom half of his face - it was quite the contrast from his usual neat, clean shaven look. Dark bags carved harsh lines under his eyes, they looked heavy, like they had been there for days.

As he watched the man sleep in the hospital bed, he didn't know what to do. He didn't want it to be one of those cliché moments where someone sat and talked to their unconscious friend, but he didn't know what to do. He found himself taking the lawyer's hand, and just squeezing it. He wasn't expecting him to squeeze back, but he was still slightly taken aback by how limp and cold he was. He wasn't sure how long he had sat there for, but it didn't feel like it had been long enough when they came to tell him that he had to leave.

When he left the room, Donna wasn't alone anymore. Jessica, Rachel and even Louis had come down. Before he could take much more than a step, he was engulfed in a hug by Rachel, whose mascara had started to run from her crying. The smell of her perfume and the softness of her hair was comforting as they embraced. He wasn't sure why, but he started to cry - he just couldn't help it. He tried to convince himself that the hug was for her benefit, but he knew it was for his. He nuzzled his face into her oversized grey jacket and sobbed for a while.

When he finally pulled himself away, he looked right into her eyes, her warm brown eyes, for comfort.

"I'm so sorry, Mike. He's gonna be okay, I promise you."

The next time he visited, Harvey was awake, but he didn't look much better. He still had bags under his eyes, and Mike could tell that he was still a little weak from the previous sedation, but he seemed calmer, and he could swear he saw a tiny smile on his face when he walked in.

They hadn't spoken much while he was in there. It had only been a few days, and they were psychologically evaluating him, so Mike thought it was best the avoid their usual, stress inducing topics of conversation - work and Donna. Besides, the silence between the two of them wasn't awkward, it was comforting for both. They did have a few conversations, one just after Mike had had to kick Donna out of the room so that he could actually see Harvey. There was a rule that only one person could be in there at a time, and understandably, Donna had not wanted to leave his side.

"Mike?"

That was the first time Mike had heard Harvey speak since he had told him he couldn't see, and his voice was a little hoarse.

"Yeah, do you need anything?"

It took him a while to formulate his response. Mike could tell that he was tired, that his brain was worn out and completely exhausted, he wondered how much Harvey had been sleeping leading up to the other night. He watched him as he swallowed and then opened his mouth.

"I'm sorry, that you had to see that."

He looked as though he was about to explain, but Mike stopped him. He had never seen Harvey look so ashamed, or embarrassed.

"You don't have to apologise to me for anything, okay? I'm just glad you're okay."

The man smiled and adjusted his position in the bed so he was lying down again. He started to blink slowly and Mike could tell he was tired, so he stopped talking so that he could fall asleep, taking his hand again. It was something that he would never have been allowed to do before, and he definitely won't be allowed to do moving forward, but during Harvey's stay, he had found it comforting. As he watched him fall asleep, Mike wondered how much of this he would remember. He wondered if he actually knew what he was saying, or if it was just coming out.

He sat next to Harvey's bed that night doing the exact same thing, in his apartment. He watched him sleep peacefully and noticed that he looked much better. His skin still looked slightly off, but it wasn't as rough or pale. He still looked tired but the bags under his eyes weren't anywhere near as dark, or heavy. He looked peaceful, and eventually, Mike allowed himself to fall asleep too, so exhausted from the last few days.

He was so sound asleep that he didn't notice as the lawyer began to get restless, or when he awoke with a jolt a few minutes later, struggling to breathe and covered in sweat.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning, Harvey got up before Mike did. He looked to the side of his bed and saw the associate sat there, his mouth hanging open and his head flopped back over the chair. He rolled his eyes and pulled the covers off himself before climbing out of bed and heading to the kitchen. He began to perform his normal morning routine, making himself a coffee and sitting down to read the morning paper that had been delivered outside his door. It was the usual boring stuff printed in black and white, but he still read the entire thing, surprised that Mike was yet to wake up.

Once he finished his coffee, he left the pot for Mike and went to sit on the couch, taking the paper with him and laying it down on the table. He was glad for the silence. With everyone coming to keep an eye on him, he had barely had a moment to himself to think or to figure out what was really going on with him. There was one thing he knew he needed to think about, though, and that was what happened last night. He had had panic attacks before, but this was nothing like that, this was different. It had felt like he was wide awake, but he couldn't move a muscle, he couldn't speak, he had no control over what was happening around him, and it was awful. He would never tell anyone though, it was bad enough that they all insisted on babying him as it was, but if he admitted this to them, they would for sure have someone watching him intently 24/7.

He knew that his time to reflect would soon be interrupted, and sure enough, after about half an hour, a half asleep Mike Ross stumbled through the door yawning and stretching like they do in the movies. He couldn't help but suppress a smile as he watched him walk, eyes half shut, over to the pot of coffee on the bench and pour himself a glass, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. His hair was all over the place, and he was still wearing his suit trousers; he had on a white t-shirt that he usually wore under his shirt.

"Good morning to you too." Harvey said sarcastically.

He figured that if he tried to act normal, everyone would think he was fine and leave him the hell alone.

"How long have you been up?" Mike asked, his voice slightly raspy from having just woken up.

"Not long." He lied.

Harvey had not been able to get back to sleep after he had bolted awake at around 4 in the morning, but he wasn't gonna tell Mike that. He did not want to give him anymore reason to treat him as an invalid as he already had.

Neither of them said anything for a while as Mike stood there sipping his coffee and Harvey turned the pages of the newspaper in front of him. It was the most awkward it had been between them for a very long time.

"Okay, so I'm gonna stay here until Rachel arrives, she's gonna stay with you for the rest of the day, then Donna will be over tonight, okay?"

Harvey sighed as Mike rambled on about the schedule of his caretakers. He just needed a couple of hours alone today. As much as he liked Rachel, he couldn't exactly be 100% open around her when it came to his feelings. the only thing he wanted was to be left to his own devices to get some breathing room. He stood up and walked over to the sink, putting the two empty coffee mugs into the dishwasher below it and sitting down at the counter.

"Actually, while you're still here, would you mind to the store to grab me some stuff, it would really help me out. I need to schedule an appointment with the therapist the hospital has assigned me and it might take a while."

He was partially telling the truth, he did need to make an appointment, but he had no intention of doing it today, hell, he didn't want to go, but he knew that his license to practice law was on the line here. They had told him so. He had to attend so many sessions a month, or he would not be considered capable to perform his job effectively. He just needed some time between Mike leaving and Rachel arriving.

"Can I just ask Rach to pick it up on her way over, you can't be left alone right now."

Mike knew full well that Donna would kill him if he left Harvey alone and something happened.

"Mike, it won't take long, I just need a couple of things, I'll write you a list."

He tore the corner off of his newspaper and began to write the first things that came to mind in his scrawly handwriting. When he handed it to his associate, he watched him raise his eyebrows.

"Harvey, do you really think I should be buying you whiskey right now?"

"Goddamnit Mike!" He shouted, pushing the chair back from behind him and hitting his hands on the counter.

He was unsure as to why he shouted, scaring himself a bit as he heard the harshness of his voice. He was just desperate to be alone. He needed to think about what had happened last night - he had to figure it out.

"Harvey, I'm not leaving you, not now."

The lawyer rolled his eyes at his younger friend.

"Why don't I get you your meds, and I'll text the list to Rachel - minus the whiskey of course, okay?"

Harvey sighed. He didn't want to take them, he hated how they made him feel, but he hated panic attacks more, so he had to put up with it.

"Fine."

He sat back down and waited for Mike to finish rummaging in the cupboard for the pills.

The gap between him taking his pills and Rachel arriving couldn't have felt longer, but eventually, they both heard a knock at the door and Mike jumped up to answer it, not letting Harvey move a muscle - that would have to change, he thought to himself. Watching them be all cute and lovey-dovey usually made Harvey happy for his friend, but he was so tired and fed up that it made him feel sick. But then again that could have also been the large number of meds he had taken about 15 minutes ago.

"I'll see you later, oh and I left the list for dinner on the fridge so could you pick up everything later?"

Mike smiled and nodded and finally they heard the door slam. Maybe Rachel would let him get some peace, he could only hope, right? But to his dismay, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her pull a folder out of her bag, and he immediately recognised Donna's formatting on the documents inside.

"So, what do you want to get done first?" She asked, way too cheerily he thought.

This was going to be a long day.


	10. Chapter 10

His day with Rachel had actually gone alright. After she had put away all of the things she picked up from the shop, she busied herself around his apartment, tidying up the mess her fiancé had managed to make in less than 24 hours. He had no idea how they lived together. Mike was the messiest person he knew and she was by far the tidiest - they would surely both drive each other insane.

Her business gave him time to do what he had wanted to do for what felt like ages. Sit and think. Just him. So there he was, sat on the couch, his feet up on the table, the only thing interrupting him being Rachel occasionally appearing in his field of view to clean something, or asking him every so often where he would prefer she put something. It was nice for him to just sit there and be free with his own thoughts, but he couldn't think completely clearly. All the medications he had taken earlier that day had made his brain go all foggy and cloudy; whilst he could think, it was hard to focus on anything for too long before it stopped making sense and made him feel all confused.

Regardless, he still took this opportunity. He knew that it was Donna's turn tonight, and he definitely wouldn't have any free time then, and then the next day it was Louis' turn, which, if he was honest, made him sick to even think about it. He wasn't sure he would be able to last a whole day with Louis there, pretending to be happier than he actually was, pretending to be okay. There was no way in hell that he wanted to give the man who despised him most in the firm any more ammunition than he already had.

Every time the man let his mind wander, he found it going back to last night, and every time that happened, he felt a tightness grow in his chest, and then leave him when he focused on something else, anything else. The smell of the cleaning products Rachel was using; how hungry he was; the sound his phone made every time it buzzed on the coffee table. Eventually though, he let his mind wander to last night, and when the feelings of fear started to overwhelm him, instead of fighting to get rid of them, he focused on them. He thought that maybe if he understood what had happened, it wouldn't happen again - because he didn't want that at all.

The first thing he remembered was opening his eyes. He had been so tired that night before going to sleep and was kind of surprised to wake up and see a dark room around him. He lay there for a while trying to force himself to go back to sleep immediately, but to no avail. After a minute had passed, he tried to turn to check the clock on his bedside table - it was then that he realised he couldn't move. For a second, he thought he must just be really tired, so he tried again, and again, and again. Each time he tried harder and harder, yet his body would not move at all. Then he looked to the sleeping man beside him. His eyes could move, but it was a strain to look around the room. It wasn't until he tried to speak that he really started to panic. No sound came out. After several attempts, he was practically screaming Mike's name - but he couldn't make a sound.

It was then that he felt a pressure growing in his chest. It was a hundred times worse than a panic attack. This didn't just feel like he couldn't breathe, it felt like someone had dropped a boulder on his chest, rendering it impossible to get a breath in. He was convinced he was dying, or that he was already dead. It was something that he couldn't explain, a sensation that didn't have words to describe it. It felt so real, and that's why he was so shocked, and grateful, when he woke up for real. The first thing he had done as soon as his eyes opened was try to move, which to his relief worked. But he didn't dare close his eyes again.

He had spent the rest of the night sat in his bed, trying to stop his heart from racing and his mind from replaying it over and over again. After a while, he lay back down, thinking he had calmed down. But as soon as he did that, he felt his eyes beginning to droop shut again, and tried his hardest to keep them open; his pounding heart actually helped him out here - it was impossible to fall asleep whilst he was this scared.

As he lay there, he tapped his hand on his chest to try and time his breathing and calm down, but it didn't work. He wasn't sure if it had been the way he was lying, or the overwhelming fear he had of falling asleep now, but he just couldn't seem to get a breath in. It wasn't like a panic attack though, they didn't last this long. He just couldn't get a grip on himself and it was frustrating as hell. Eventually he had no choice but to sit up again, putting his hands on his face and covering his mouth to try and control his breaths in another way.

Rachel had long finished cleaning his apartment, and had begun to prepare lunch for the two of them. She had read through the folder that Donna had given her and it had all the instructions for his meds as well as what time he should eat to ensure that they worked. When she had gone out earlier, she had picked up the ingredients both for lunch and the dinner Donna had asked her for. She knew full well that Mike would not have given him anything healthy last night, in fact, the lack of dishes and food in the apartment told her that he had most likely ordered a takeaway. She, on the other hand, planned to make him something healthy, something that would give him energy and last, not something that would only serve to make him feel worse later.

She began to cut up the pepper that she had in front of her, and she looked over to him on the couch. He was just sat there, staring into space, clearly deep in thought about something - yet she wasn't sure if she should let him think or not. She didn't want to let him work himself into another panic, but she also didn't want to treat him like a child. She decided to leave him be for a while longer while she finished their lunch, and then, once it was all arranged on the plate, she took it over to him and placed it on the coffee table.

Sitting down opposite him, she looked into his eyes. They were looking straight at her, but she could tell that he was in no way focused. He didn't acknowledge her at all, his stare was glassed over and he was clearly miles away. She looked to his chest, it was rising and falling quickly, his hand starting to shake ever so slightly, his leg doing the same. When she looked at his eyes again, tears were rapidly forming and threatening to spill down his face. Normally, he would have made an effort to stop them, but he was just sat there, she didn't believe he was aware that they were even there, or that they were rolling down his cheeks, leaving streaks where they had fallen.

She usually prided herself on being empathetic and being able to help people, but for a second, Rachel froze. For a moment she looked at the man before her and wondered how it could possibly be Harvey Specter who had tears blinding his vision, fear paralysing him. She wondered whether she should call someone, Mike, Donna, anyone, but she instead tried to get his attention, to snap him out of it.

"Harvey?"

At the sound of his name the lawyer was drawn back into the room. He began to focus his vision in front of him and saw a brunette sat there, Rachel, exhaling profoundly and blinking away the tears in her eyes. He was unsure why she was in such a state, why she looked so relieved to see him.

"I um, I have your lunch." She stuttered, realising that he was looking at her confused.

"Oh, thanks." He said, picking up the plate and beginning to eat the sandwich on it.

He didn't even taste any of it. He was too busy looking at her, trying to figure out why she was so uncomfortable. She kept squirming in her seat, opening her mouth as if she was about to speak and then changing her mind and shutting it again. Eventually he had had enough, and after she had cleared away the plates and given him a glass of water with his pills, he decided to ask her what was bothering her. He knew she probably felt weird being there and wanted to make sure that it wasn't always going to be this awkward whenever it was her turn. Before he could open his mouth though, she seemed to have mustered whatever strength she needed to open hers.

"I know I have no place asking this, but are you okay? It's just I'm looking after you and I would feel awful if anything happened to you."

She continued to explain herself to him, scrambling to find words and eventually just rambling to fill the silence in the room.

"Rachel, stop."

She was in the middle of a word, but did as he said and stopped talking.

"I'm okay, I just, I'm gonna need time to get back to normal, okay? You've done nothing wrong."

She smiled and nodded, and he took a swig of water, allowing the pills to slide down his throat.

"Maybe you should get some rest, try to sleep?"

He had to use all his might to stop his eyes widening at that. The last thing he wanted to do was sleep, at least for the moment. He didn't want a repeat of last night.

"No, I've had enough rest recently. Tell me a story, about anything. Like how the hell your bumbling idiot of a fiancé convinced you to go out with him?"

When she spoke about Mike, she saw him actually showing some interest and eventually he began to look slightly happier.

"What about you, how on earth did he manage to get you to hire him after all that pot fell out of the briefcase?"

The rest of the afternoon was better than the morning had been. They shared stories and laughed. They had never really been that close, but it was nice for Harvey to sit and talk to someone familiar, but someone who didn't know everything about him. Eventually, he decided to watch some TV, to keep him awake, and she had some work to get done for law school. He was going to offer to help her, he was starting to go a little crazy without any work to do, but he figured that somewhere in that large file of Donna's it said in bold capitals, " **NO WORK** ".

Instead, he sat there, and when the time came for her to leave and for Donna to come, he was relaxed and happy, which made the red-head equally content as she saw how well he was doing.


	11. Chapter 11

After Rachel left, Harvey told Donna he was going to go and have a shower while she put her things away. She would be staying the night, and since she was bringing some clothes and toiletries over, she had brought a few more, stashing them in his bottom left drawer. She knew he never looked in there - it was where he tossed all of the Christmas and birthday presents that he would never wear but wouldn't throw out. She would have told him she was putting them there, but she knew that it was very possible that he would freak out if there was too much commitment from either side. It could be much worse of course if he actually found them, with no explanation, but she was sure he wouldn't. Just to be safe though, she put them right at the bottom, covered by the clothes.

As she pulled everything out of the drawer, she couldn't help but giggle to herself when she saw everything in there. The first thing she grabbed was a bright green Christmas jumper with a snowman plastered on the front of it. Mike had bought it for his boss during his first Christmas at the firm. The young, chirpy associate had somehow managed to convince Jessica Pearson, of all people, to have an obligatory Christmas jumper day at the office. Of course, most people had participated without complaint, herself included. In fact, she and Rachel were more than happy to oblige, both of them love Christmas and nothing was going to stop the two of them from spreading their joy. Harvey however, was quite the opposite. He had protested repeatedly and on the designated day he had shown up in his usual suit and tie. Luckily though, or unluckily the way he looked at it, Mike had brought him in a spare, and Donna had forced him into it. He had been itchy and uncomfortable all day and once he got home, he had vowed never to wear it again.

None of the other items stood out to her particularly, they all looked like gifts from his mother, or things that clients had sent him, not because they actually wanted to get him something, but because they felt it was customary. There was a rather large amount of tops and ties from Louis in there. When she joined the firm with Harvey, Louis had constantly tried to gain his respect and admiration, but eventually he had realised that gifts were not the way to achieve that and had given up. She had always supposed that Harvey was relieved that it had stopped, but she guessed that he must have liked it a bit since he kept everything. She folded her clothes neatly, placing them on the bottom of the drawer, before piling his things back on top, exactly as she found them, and heading out of the bedroom to sit on the couch.

Completely oblivious to the going-ons in his bedroom, Harvey got undressed in his bathroom. Before climbing into the shower, he stared at himself in the mirror. Dark shadows were starting to form under his eyes again from his lack of sleep last night, but that wasn't what worried him - it was the fact that he was growing more and more tired and that eventually he would have to fall asleep again and invite those feelings of entrapment and suffocation back into his mind.

He climbed into the shower, turning on the water and allowing it to run over his skin, soaking his hair. It usually stood up on end, but when it was wet, it was all matted down, a look that very few had seen. After standing beneath the steaming jet for a while, he began to lather up the shampoo and ran it through his hair, rinsing it out and letting the suds wash over his body. As the water continued to flow, it got hotter and hotter, but he didn't care. It only seemed to bother him when he could feel his skin burning and his body began to feel tired. It was then that he turned the dial to make the water ice cold, abruptly waking him up.

After just standing there for a while longer, he shut it off and climbed out, wrapping a towel around himself and wiping the steam off of the mirror. He didn't even bother to look at his refection since he knew it would only serve to make him long for sleep, and he was determined to stay awake. Once he had dried himself off, he got dressed and headed out to sit with Donna. He knew that if he stayed in there much longer she would start to worry and if she started to worry she would not take her eyes off of him all evening, although he figured that would be the case no matter what.

Walking back into the room, he saw her sat there flicking through his laptop.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He asked, coming across slightly more angry than he had intended. Donna, however, didn't seem phased by his tone, or by his somewhat aggressive and defensive stance when she turned around to face him.

"Just checking that you haven't been secretly trying to do work, and I'm proud of you." She proclaimed, contently shutting the lid and placing it on the coffee table. "You haven't sent a single email, nor have you edited any work related documents."

He smiled to himself a little as he sat down opposite her.

"With what free, private time? I'm pretty sure that if I had even tried to pick up my laptop at any point recently I would have had to face the wrath of Donna."

They both laughed, but knew that there was an element of seriousness behind what he was saying. The constant vigilance and coddling was starting to get on his nerves, and it had only lasted a few days. He didn't know how long they were planning on keeping it up for, but he knew it wouldn't be long before he snapped and said awful things to everyone he cared about just to drive them away and give him some alone time.

"I'm gonna get started on dinner, did Rachel get everything I asked her to?"

He nodded and got up to accompany her to the kitchen.

"What are you doing, I'm cooking for both of us, you need to rest."

He shook his head.

"No, I've had enough rest, I want to feel useful, besides, I'm the best cook you'll ever meet."

He was blatantly lying to her, but he could feel his eyes longing to shut, and he figured getting up and focusing on something would keep him awake.

"Okay, but just so you know, I've eaten your food, and it's far from Michelin Star worthy."

They started to busy themselves around the kitchen, it was like a scene out of a movie, when the happily married couple get home from work and cook dinner lovingly together. So in sync, one passing a spoon to the other, the other stepping aside so the former can get something from a cupboard. Tasting each other's dishes and giggling together. Neither of them would admit it, but each stood there wondering if this could have been reality for them, if they could be the perfect, happy, married couple.

Donna was stood over the hob when she heard Harvey curse under his breath.

"Everything okay?" She asked, turning to face him.

They both looked down to his hand. The cut hadn't looked that big at first, but then the blood started to actually pour out of it and he dropped the knife down onto the counter, the metal clattering against the surface.

"Shit." He said again, a little louder this time.

"What happened?" She exclaimed, shocked at the amount of blood pouring out of his hand.

"The knife must have slipped."

He was lying. He was tired, he wasn't concentrating, he shut his eyes for a split second and the knife slit his skin.

"Wait there, don't do anything." She said, her eyes wide, scurrying off to the bathroom to grab some tissues and to try and find a bandage.

He heard her feet pattering across the cold, hard floor and let out a sigh of relief as she reappeared, ready to help him.

"Come over to the couch, let me take a look at that."

She led him over and sat him down, starting to clean up the blood, and eventually wrapping the bandage around it. He only winced in pain a couple of times. It hurt him a lot, but he was not about to cry over a cut.

"You don't have to do this, you know."

He spoke as she returned to the couch after throwing the blood soaked tissues into the trash. She looked up to meet his eyes, a small smile forming on her face.

"It's no problem," she shrugged, "it's nothing."

That's not what he was talking about, and she knew it. She just didn't want to address it. It would lead to conflict and tension, something she knew neither of them needed right then.

"That's not what I mean and you know it, I'm trying to say you don't have to take care of me all the time."

"It's my job, Harvey."

He sighed. He could sense the argument in her voice, the little spark that meant she was getting annoyed or that she was trying to hold back a snide remark. He too had an anger bubbling inside him though, one that was threatening to spill out if they didn't wrap this up soon.

When he didn't say anything, she carried on.

"It is my job to make sure that you are okay. It is my job to ensure that you do the right thing at the right time. It is my job to protect you."

"No it isn't."

Both of their glares were growing more and more intense. Each of them turning the happiness they felt earlier into rage. Each responding to the other's rise.

"I am your secretary, Harvey."

"Really? Because last time I checked, you weren't the one sat outside my office, you were outside Louis' instead."

A few minutes later he would regret bringing up the event that put him in this position, but for the moment, he was so blinded by his overwhelming emotions and tiredness that he wasn't thinking clearly.

"That's not fair, I spent 12 years putting you first and I have apologised to you for everything!" She responded, raising her voice to match his.

"And I don't give a damn."

There was a brief silence between them.

"You abandoned me." He spat out before standing up and storming off to his bedroom.

Once Donna was alone in the room, she immediately returned to her senses. She was usually so calm and level headed, but she had let him get to her. The one thing she had wanted to do was make sure that Harvey was alright and that he knew she was there for him, but she was pretty certain that she had just made things one hundred times worse. She liked to think that out of all of them, she could take care of him the best, that she could judge his needs the best, but maybe she was wrong.

"Fuck." She whispered to herself, reclining back into the soft cushions and clenching her eyes shut, dropping her head into her hands.

She had to do something to fix this.


	12. Chapter 12

After nearly an hour had passed, Donna started to worry. She wasn't sure what he was doing in there, but she had expected that he would have come out by now, or demanded that she leave his apartment, but he had done none of those things, he had stayed shut up in his room, and she couldn't help but conjure up the images of him on the floor in his office, tears streaming; visions of him, unconscious, laying in the hospital flooded into her mind.

She had long since poured herself a whiskey, supposing that he wouldn't mind after everything they'd been through. With each sip she thought more and more about each visit she paid him in the psych ward.

When they had first taken him there, she had been forced to wait outside whilst they sedated him and gave him the medication to calm down, it had been unbearable, hearing them shouting things inside, not being able to see what was going on. After they were done one of the doctors had let Mike in, giving her a smile that, whilst it expressed his pity and how sorry he was, she didn't appreciate. She could tell that there were people in there who were judging her for her messy hair, or the fact that there was mascara streaked down her face, that she looked like a complete mess, but she only cared about him.

Once it was finally her turn and she was in the room, she stood there for a moment, just staring at him until she could muster up the strength to walk herself over to his bedside and sit down beside him. The silence in the room made her uncomfortable, the beeping of the machine just another background noise that stopped her from being able to focus on the comforting sound of his regular breaths, they varied so much from those she had heard barely hours before.

She had hardly been able to leave his side, only allowing herself to be dragged away when the doctor's demanded it or when someone else begged to be let in. She had hardly slept the whole time, she couldn't help but sit there and watch him, make sure he was okay. She guessed a part of her felt guilty, like she was to blame for what had happened because she took her eye off the ball, so she was determined not to let anything slip by her this time.

That was what compelled her to walk into his room, not bothering to knock and startling the shit out of him.

"Donna, what the hell?"

She was shocked. She didn't know what she expected to see, but it sure as well wasn't him, sat on his bed, laptop open.

"I've been waiting for you, I put dinner in the oven a while ago, it's gonna be ready soon, are you coming?"

She got no response and he seemed fixated on whatever he was typing on the screen in front of him. She could tell that he was engrossed in what he was doing because the lights in the room were off, the screen glowing in his face.

"Harvey, are you even listening to me?"

She got no response again and was tempted to go off on him again, but knew better; she resisted her urge to storm right over there and rip the laptop from his lap. After a few more taps at the keyboard, he closed the lid and pulled himself up off of the bed, heading out of the room, walking straight past Donna, leaving her there, jaw dropped.

Eventually the both of them were both sat at the table, dinner in front of them. She didn't know what to say, so instead opted to stare at him until one of them would be forced to say something.

"So, how's your hand, do you need me to change the bandage?"

"No, it should be fine, maybe in the morning, I don't trust Louis."

They both laughed a little, but it felt forced, strained. They both had something they wanted to say, and the other could tell, but it was just a matter of who would pipe up first.

"Harvey, I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to bring up everything, I just, I wanted to think that I was the one who knew how to take care of you best, I guess I misjudged the situation."

There was another brief silence as Harvey took in two things. The first being that the mighty, all knowing, always right Donna Paulsen had just admitted that she was wrong, and the second what she had actually said.

Before she could even finish, Harvey interrupted her.

"I'm not angry with you, I actually have something to tell you, it's no big deal, but I want you to know."

She watched Harvey as he lowered his gaze down to the table, as though he were embarrassed to look at her as he said what he needed to say.

"I, I uh-"

He started to stumble in his words, not quite sure what to say. Harvey never stumbled on his words, which made her wonder what on Earth he could have to say.

"I was looking at therapists, that's why I was in there so long. I know it's not a massive step, or anything dramatic, but I wanted you to know."

She sighed in relief as he looked up to meet her gaze and she looked into his eyes. They were glistening slightly.

"Harvey, this is a good thing, it's an important step you've taken."

She reached across the table to his hand and held it for a second as they just stared at each other.

"I found a few, I thought maybe next time you're here, we could look over them? You don't have to, I just thought-"

"I'd love to."

They spent the rest of the meal slowly easing into conversation. Donna made sure to avoid the topic of their relationship and instead kept it light hearted. They spent most of their time sharing anecdotes and reliving fond memories that they share. If there was one thing they could each be sure about, it was that the other knew them better than anyone else in the world.

No one else could make Donna laugh quite like Harvey. And not just a smile, or a forced laugh when she felt obliged to respond, he made her laugh uncontrollably. The kind of laugh that made her toss her head back, her auburn locks moving perfectly behind her. The sound evoked a feeling inside him that he felt at no other time, she was the only one who could make him feel like that.

As for him, well no one on the planet could make his eyes glisten with mischief quite like she could. All it took was a wink or a witty comeback, sometimes only a glance, and he would feel a smirk growing on his face. They were well and truly the definition of partners in crime.

Once they were done eating they cleared up and continued their conversation. Of course, constantly stopping because one of them was incapacitated from laughing so much meant that it took them nearly an hour to wash up and put everything away. By that time Donna was starting to get pretty tired after a full day at the office, and Harvey was downright exhausted after a day of, well, nothing.

She headed across the room to grab the pyjamas she had brought with her and stepped down out of her heels, which she had regretted not taking off earlier. She then turned around, sweeping her hair to the side and looking back at him expectantly.

"Oh, yeah."

As he began to unzip her dress, he immediately felt his heart begin to race, and not in a bad way. As her pale skin was revealed, he noted every freckle that covered it, pausing for a moment to appreciate the warmth radiating from her body to his fingertips. It was like something out of a movie, the tingle they both felt when their skin touched. But after a second, Harvey stepped back, and Donna brushed away whatever she had felt.

"I'll head into the other room if you want some privacy to change." He said, beginning to walk towards his bedroom.

"No, it's fine, you don't have to leave, besides, it's not like you haven't seen it all before." She gave him a wink.

"Okay, but I'm still gonna turn around, because I'm pretty sure that last time, you had whipped cream covering all the parts you didn't want me to see."

They both suppressed a smile as they thought back to the night he left the DA's office, each one could remember it like it was yesterday.

Once she was in her pyjamas, she turned back to face him and they headed to his bedroom. It had become routine now, he and whoever was watching him would go to his bedroom, and he would climb under the sheets while they sat beside him. The last couple of nights, they had simply waited until he fell asleep and then done so themselves, but tonight, Donna climbed into the sheets beside him.

"No offence, but that chair is the most uncomfortable thing on the planet and I don't think my back is gonna cope if I sleep in it again. Don't worry, nothing's gonna happen."

If Harvey was completely honest, he was glad she was laying beside him, it was comforting to know that she was there, that she was close, less than an arm's reach away. But that still didn't lessen his fears. Every time he let his eyes drift shut, they shot back open, no matter how heavy they were, no matter how much he longed for sleep, his brain would not allow it to him.

After what must have been over an hour of squeezing his eyes shut and tossing and turning, he somehow managed to get some sleep, although not much. It can't have been anymore than 20 minutes until he found himself unable to move again, his body trapped in some kind of trance that prevented him from making any sounds or even reaching out to her. By some stroke of luck, he eventually managed to jolt himself awake, and almost the second he sat up, he felt Donna's arm on his shoulder.

"Harvey, I'm right here."

Her voice was soothing, but it took him a moment to get everything back into focus. Everything was a little blurry around the edges, his chest rising and falling quickly but eventually reverting to a normal rhythm. Once he was no longer sweating and he could see, breathe and think clearly, he flicked the light on, and before he could do or say anything, he felt her wrap her arms around him, just for a moment, squeezing him tightly before she pulled away and waited for him to turn to face her.

"Sorry I woke you." Was all he could seem to say.

"It's fine, but you should try to get back to sleep."

He sat for a second, trying to decide whether or not he should chance it again, whether or not he should allow himself to invite those feelings of terror and dread back into his mind, and eventually he decided against it. But he also needed sleep, and he knew it. The only difference was that the feeling of exhaustion was far more bearable than the complete fear he had felt no less than a few minutes ago.

"No, I think I'm gonna go have a drink, feel free to go back to sleep, or join me, whichever you prefer."

He pushed the covers to the side and climbed out of bed, only making it as far a she door before he heard her calling out, but instead of turning around, like he longed to, he just kept walking towards the couch, reaching to grab the whiskey, and falling back into it.


	13. Chapter 13

"Harvey."

He felt her hand on his shoulder. The touch was gentle, tentative, as though she were cautious to do it. She couldn't see his face from where she was stood behind him, but she could tell by the way he tensed up that something was wrong. After holding her hand there for a while, she moved to sit next to him, but he only seemed to look forward, and he didn't say a word.

"Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that-"

Before she could finish, she heard him speak.

"Donna, please." It was almost a whisper, but she heard it. It sounded the same as the time he had stood before her desk, holding it to stabilise himself, begging for her to return to him. There was a desperation to it that she had only heard that one other time, and it immediately scared her.

She stopped whatever story she had been about to tell in an attempt to distract him and instead started to focus completely on him. Taking in everything, she noted the way he was sat hunched over his knees, squeezing the glass of whiskey tightly, the fact that he was still, just staring forwards, appearing to be completely immersed in his thoughts, or not thinking anything at all, and the dark circles beneath his eyes that chiselled harsh lines into his face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She spoke quietly, calmly. The usually fiery redhead had a soft spot for this man, and she wanted more than anything for him to be okay.

It took a second, but she could see he had taken in what she had said, because he took a deep breath in and then exhaled slowly, as though he were considering it.

"I can't sleep, Donna." He said eventually, keeping his gaze directed forwards.

He was scared to turn and face her, and he wasn't sure why. It seemed a little childish to him to turn around and say that he didn't wanna go back to bed because he was having nightmares, but these were more than nightmares. He didn't know what they were, but they were more than that.

"Okay, do you wanna tell me why?"

He took another long pause. He could feel her gaze on him, but unlike every other person who had looked at him in the same wide eyed, concerned way, her's didn't seem to burn through him, it invited him to eventually tune and face her, looking into her eyes, then to her right, eyes, than her left. Although this seemed a little off, she would take it, it was an improvement.

"I, you know what, you should get some sleep, you have work tomorrow, and you've had a long day today."

Both of them knew why he had said that, why he had changed the subject, he did it all the time. Usually, it was with Mike. He would put the heat onto his associate, especially when he was frustrated or had had a bad day. A good example was when Zoe had left, instead of giving the kid a lecture when he showed up late, he had gone off at him, making him feel just as bad inside as he did in that very moment. If there was anything to know about Harvey Specter, it was that he wasn't an emotions guy.

"No way, mister, I'm not leaving you after whatever that was."

He wanted to dispute it, argue that he was fine, but he wasn't, he knew that and so did she. Just as she had a soft spot for him, he had one for her as well. Their relationship was one that many had questioned the nature of over the years. They had an undeniable chemistry, they thought in the same way, they could communicate with nothing more than a glance, or the roll of their eyes. She could read him better than anyone else, and he knew that, most of the time he relied on it, and even now, as much as he hated to admit it, he was grateful for her intuition and the fact that she could tell, just from his body language, that he needed her.

"Do you mind if we sit here, not talk just sit?"

His voice was still soft, she could tell he was being sincere, and that he was also partially ashamed. If it were anyone else sat there with him, he would not allow himself to be so open, to show so much emotion, but he could be vulnerable with her, seeing someone day in, day out for 12 years will do that.

"Of course."

The silence in the room was comforting, it felt natural. He had missed this, and so had she. Since she had moved desks, the air between them had been nothing but awkward, but now, they were in sync again and he was glad.

Without even thinking about it, he extended his arm out and invited her to move closer. He could see her eyes were beginning to shut, and there was no way she was going to go back to bed and leave him there alone. She seemed to pause to think about it for a moment, but eventually, she shuffled across and laid her head on his chest. It was more comfortable than she had expected, and she could feel her eyes closing.

"Are you sure you don't mind if I fall asleep, I can stay awake with you if you want." As Donna spoke, she looked up into his eyes, it was weird seeing him from this angle, she thought to herself.

"I'm sure, besides, I'm too awake to sleep now."

After another pause, she responded, "Okay, but wake me if you need me."

As she lay there, her head pressed to his chest, she couldn't help but feel her heart flutter a little. It was odd, they had had plenty of physical contact over the years, they flirted all the time, but this felt strangely intimate. It felt as though they were crossing some kind of line, but they both knew full well that it had already been crossed. It was like a rule had been broken, but she didn't mind, in fact, she quite liked it.

As she began to fall asleep, he stroked her hair gently, something that seemed to be calming him, relaxing him. It wasn't enough to allow him to sleep, but it allowed for him to put his mind somehow at ease and let him think about other things. He was slightly worried that the pounding of his heart would wake her. It wasn't a bad thing that it was racing though, on the contrary, it made him feel excited, it made him giddy as he felt her skin against his own.

The night passed more quickly than he thought it would. There was something about her being there that put his mind at ease, and eventually allowed his mind to wander peacefully. It was like he was dreaming, but without the unconsciousness and inability to control which direction it went in.

He felt her move, after a few hours. She was cute as she rubbed her eyes like a child and gradually stirred, stretching and accidentally knocking him in the face as she reached up.

"Oh my - Harvey, I am so sorry!" She exclaimed, bolting up and turning to face him.

"It's fine, honestly, how did you sleep?"

He watched her as she shifted on the sofa and looked around, fully waking herself up.

"You, sir, make a very comfortable pillow."

"Yeah, well don't think this is gonna becomes a regular occurrence."

They both laughed.

"What about you, how was your night?"

As she spoke, she stood and stretched her hands up to the sky, rolling her head and her shoulders.

"Alright."

He followed her into the bathroom, where he had found that she had somehow managed to find the time to lay out all of her various creams, washed and makeup, and watched as she started to rub a particular lotion into her face. The sheer quantity was rather overwhelming as he looked from her many tubes over to his toothbrush and toothpaste.

"So here's the plan: Louis is coming over today and then he's gonna stay with you until dinner, then Mike"s gonna spend the night, okay? I would offer to stay, but I have loads to do at work and I know Mike is longing to see you again."

He raised his eyebrows in the mirror.

"I'm serious, yesterday, he was just wandering around the office looking like he had no idea what to do with himself."

"He's a grown ass man and he can't even manage one day without someone telling him what to do?" Harvey sighed, "sometimes I struggle to believe that he survived on his own for so long."

Their eyes met in the reflection, and she raised her eyebrows as she said proudly, "Oh I told him what to do alright."

He couldn't help but chuckle to himself as he thought of Donna bossing the young man about, and him running around the firm doing whatever she said. Even he had to admit that she could be scary, she scared him sometimes, not that he would ever tell her that. All she had to to was raise her eyebrows in a particular way, and widen her eyes just enough to make him instantly do what she was saying. No one in the firm wanted to face the wrath of Donna.

The next time he looked over at her, she was fully made up. He had absolutely no idea how long it should take a woman to get ready, but he was pretty sure that must be some kind of record. Almost as if she had planned it, as soon as she finished pulling on the dress that was laid out and stepping into her shoes -which looked very uncomfortable he should add - there was a knock at the door.

He could immediately tell it was Louis. Of course they were expecting him, but the knock gave it away. It was like he couldn't decide whether to be assertive or soft, so he did both at once, if that was at all possible. Harvey went to open it whilst Donna grabbed some more bandages to re-dress his hand before she left.

It was one of the most awkward greetings of his life, not knowing what to do with himself, Louis just stood there for a second, and then, completely out of the blue, he stepped forward and wrapped himself around Harvey.

"Are you crying?" The lawyer asked as he looked down to the man who was squeezing him tightly.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, you hear?"

Donna nearly failed to suppress her laugh as she came back into the room and saw the sight before her. She knew Harvey would hate this, and it was killing her not to say anything right there and then, but he definitely would not hear the end of it the next time she was over.

"So, I'll just sort this out for you, then I'll be on my way." She said, acting as though she had not seen a thing as they pulled away from each other.

"Donna, please, I know you're busy, and I am a trained First Aider, let me handle it."

Despite Harvey mouthing "help me" at Donna, she handed the bandages over to him and hurried out before Harvey could do anything about it. She figured he could do with a little humour right now, it was exactly what he needed.

"Now let's see." Louis said to himself as he led Harvey to the couch and examined his hand.

"Actually, I think I can handle thi-"

Harvey was interrupted by Louis.

"Please, I am here to help, now, let me get a closer look."

As the smaller man busied himself trying to find the edge of the bandage, Harvey sighed - this was gonna be a long day.


	14. Chapter 14

After the painfully awkward twenty minutes it had taken Louis to change the bandage, the shorter man finally sighed contentedly and pulled back, looking down at Harvey's hand to admire his work. He furrowed his eyebrows.

"That's not right - I'll do it again."

Before the man could grab his hand again, Harvey pulled it back quickly.

"It's fine, don't worry about it."

Louis took that as a compliment, a praise of his work, but that was not the case. In fact, there was a hint of sarcasm in his voice, slight annoyance, but it wasn't picked up on, in fact, he smiled smugly to himself as he went to pack away the bandages in the bathroom. As he walked through Harvey's bedroom to get there, he couldn't help but first of all, soak in the fact that he was actually in there, but also take note of the fact that there was hardly anything personal there. In fact, there only seemed to be the essentials: a bed, a closet, some drawers and a bedside table.

When he headed back to where he had left Harvey, it was a bit awkward, he didn't know what to say next. Since the whole incident, he hadn't been alone with him, and he wasn't sure if humour was appropriate at this particular moment in time. He thought it might be a good idea, but he didn't want to assume anything, he wasn't sure how sensitive Harvey was right now - was sensitive the right word to describe Harvey Specter?

"Can I help you Louis?"

He realised at that point that he had been staring directly at the other man, which in hindsight might have looked a bit weird.

"The real question is, can I help you?"

Harvey raised his eyebrows at this and Louis immediately regretted trying to be witty. He noticed Louis' discomfort and couldn't help but feel a little bad for him. As much as he despised the man at moments, they were capable of getting along, and he knew he must feel a bit out of sorts there. It was not usually the case that he was required to practically babysit Harvey and it made both of them uncomfortable.

"Sorry, I'm just tired, and bored - don't take offence to anything I say to you. I appreciate this you know."

He was concerned by how much Louis' eyes lit up at the thought of him valuing something he was doing, but he brushed it off.

For the next minutes they just kind of sat there, until Louis picked up his briefcase and took out some files and his laptop. As the other man began to work, he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself, sure he could just sit there, but after having not slept much for two nights, he was starting to feel tired. He decided to kill the time by making himself another cup of coffee, offering Louis one as well. As he placed it down for him, he glanced down at the documents spread out on the coffee table.

"Have you thought about using that?" He asked, pointing to a small detail that had yet to be circled. It was something that he wouldn't have thought of before, but Mike Ross definitely would, so he might as well point it out.

As soon as he heard Harvey talk, Louis eyed him suspiciously.

"Are you allowed to be working, because I don't wanna get in trouble with Donna and-"

He stopped him mid-sentence.

"Come on, I've been trapped in here with nothing to do for days, just hand me a file."

He seemed to lull on that thought for a moment before giving in and reluctantly placing the next file in the pile into his held out hand. Harvey was gonna sit in the armchair, but instead opted to sit next to Louis on the couch, it made it easier for them to point things out to each other.

"Hang on a second, were you about to say you're scared of Donna?"

As Harvey asked, he looked over at him, raising his eyebrows once again.

"Aren't you?"

He couldn't argue that. Sure, he thought she was great and all, but he did not like it when she was pissed at him. One time in twelve years he had forgotten her birthday, and she made him pay for it for nearly a month. He never made that mistake again.

For the next few hours, they sat there, actually working well as a team. They were capable of it, and had been for years. In fact, when they were associates, they used to work together all the time, but eventually the competition began to take over and it became more and more impossible to be in the same room. Louis was particularly surprised that Harvey was showing no signs of resentment over the Donna thing, although he was unsure as to who she would work for when Harvey returned. If she left though, it wouldn't be the end of the world, he didn't mind Gretchen, in an odd way she reminded him of Norma, except she was better at everything, and Harvey definitely needed her more than he did.

After a few hours, he started to feel tired again, so he got up and made lunch, accompanying it with another coffee to keep him alert. He wasn't sure that all this caffeine was good for his nerves, but he had to stay awake - he couldn't let himself fall asleep.

By the time dinner rolled around, Harvey had managed to make his way through half the stack of files, and Louis the other half. In fact he was just beginning to pack up his things when his phone went off.

"So I have some bad news, or good news, depending on how you choose to look at it. Mike can't come tonight, but no need to fret, I can stay all night."

It wasn't that Harvey didn't want him to stay, but there was only so much of Louis he could take in a day, besides, he wasn't sure he felt comfortable with him spending the night.

"Louis, you really don't have to stay, to tell the truth I'd like a night to myself."

Louis immediately started to shake his head and wag his finger, reminding Harvey why he found him so irritating and leading him to roll his eyes.

"Nuh-uh-uh, you are not to be left alone mister."

The glare he got from Harvey prompted him to regret addressing him as mister, but it was too late to take it back.

"I'll call Donna then, she can come round."

He was well aware that tonight was Donna's rest night, she had stayed up late yesterday with him, but he wasn't sure he could handle a night with Louis - besides, it wasn't like he would be getting any sleep. He had a bag of coffee beans by his bed, and if he ate a few an hour, he'd be fine. It was actually something he had seen Mike do in his first year as an associate, not something that was recommended, but he did manage to stay awake all night and function surprisingly well the next day. Although, given that this was his third night in a row with little to no sleep, he was willing to settle for somewhat able to function.

"No, please don't call her!"

Harvey couldn't help but be a little curious as to Louis' quick response.

"What did you do?"

"The other day I asked her to do something for me and out of nowhere she just snapped at me and said that I can't do anything for myself. She may have had a point, so now I need to prove to her that I am capable."

"With me as the guinea pig?"

He was about to nod along, but then thought against it.

"Well then - I guess I'd better get started on dinner."

Harvey resigned himself to accepting the fact that there would be no way to get out of this and headed to the kitchen to warm up the left overs of his and Donna's meal yesterday. Once they started to eat it went back to an awkward silence, and the time couldn't have passed more slowly until Louis finally yawned.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note:** Before I start this chapter I want to apologise for the long wait for an update and the fact that the chapter is somewhat short, I have my GCSEs at the moment and studying is consuming a lot of my time, I will try to update soon though.

* * *

He wasn't sure how on Earth he had ended up on his couch with Louis asleep in his bed, but at least they weren't both in there - the thought of that sent a shiver down his spine, and not a good one. The only downside to being alone was that he was beginning to feel quite tired. Of course, he couldn't go to sleep, that was out of the question, but he would struggle to stay awake. Even with his plan to eat coffee beans, he doubted he would last the night, or that he would be very agreeable the next day. After what he thought must have been an hour, he could feel his eyelids closing, and without a second thought, he picked up his phone and pressed her name. He had assumed she would be asleep, but she picked up on the second ring, so she must have been wide awake.

"What?"

It was a bit nostalgic to hear her slightly groggily tired voice respond in such a manner in the middle of the night. He tried to remember the last time he had called her this late but couldn't pin point it exactly, over the twelve years she spent at his desk, it had become a fairly regular occurrence to the point where he was pretty sure she slept more lightly due to constantly expecting her phone to ring.

"Harvey if you don't say anything in the next ten seconds I'm calling 911."

"I'm fine, don't worry, I was just thinking."

They each sat there for a moment, listening to the other's breaths.

"Thinking about what?' She responded, after a brief pause.

About how desperate I am to see your face, he thought to himself. How much I long to feel your touch, hear your voice. Because he did, he longed to be near her; he wanted more than anything for her to be there with him because, somehow, he felt that he could bear no sleep if he could stay awake with her.

"Nothing, just thinking."

He could swear he heard her sigh when he didn't give her more information, but that could have just been his mind playing tricks on him, trying to make it into something it wasn't to make him feel better, or to make him feel anything. It was no secret that a certain part of him had been numb since she left, but he also couldn't deny that that same part of him would be fixed by the knowledge that she would return to him.

"Hey, what are you doing awake anyway, it's nearly two?"

He sighed.

"Where's Mike, is he asleep?"

"I'm not with Mike."

As soon as he said that he heard her take in a breath and hold it, beginning to wrack her brain as to where he could be; ready to spring out of bed and go and find him.

"He couldn't make it, so Louis is here."

She let out her breath and a smile came to her face when she knew he was safe. It wasn't that she didn't trust him to be alone, he was a grown man, but she would feel so awful if anything happened to him and she hadn't done all she could to prevent it, she had felt that way ever since his breakdown.

Neither one spoke for a moment, they just enjoyed the familiar feeling of being in each other's company - even if they weren't physically in the same place. Each could conjure up a picture of the other in their mind perfectly, he could see her lying there in her bed, the duvet over there and her hair still slightly messy, but still looking gorgeous. And she could imagine him, sat there on the couch, his legs slightly open, leaning back into the soft cushions behind him.

"I'm coming over." She said decisively after what could have been a few minutes, or a few seconds.

"You don't have to do that."

He wanted her to, he really did, but it felt as though he were forcing her to go out of her way, just to alleviate his fear and keep him company - and that didn't seem fair.

"I don't care, I want to."

As she spoke, she was climbing out of her bed and getting dressed, being sure to throw on a coat - New York was anything but warm at night time.

"I guess I'll see you soon then."

He hung up the phone and couldn't help but smile to himself.

Despite the happiness he felt that she was coming over, he knew hat he would really have to re-evaluate his life. He couldn't keep relying on her for relief, as much as he wanted to more than anything. It was practically impossible for him to do anything but think about her. She was the reason he couldn't sleep, but having her near was the only way he could even consider it. She was the reason he couldn't breathe, couldn't think, but her presence seemed to make everything clear. It was driving him insane.

He had to sleep, and he knew it. He knew it better than anyone. The bags under his eyes were growing, his mind was becoming more and more fuzzy. He had only gone two nights without sleep and he was exhausted, there was no way he could keep this up forever. There was nothing he wanted more than a distraction, a way to somehow distract himself from the overwhelming fear that filled him whenever he closed his eyes, but he couldn't think of one. It wasn't like he just got scared and that was it. It was paralysing. He heard things, saw things - dreadful things. He wasn't easily rattled, but this terrified him to the point that he would do anything to avoid it, even if that meant staying awake.

Over the past few days he had considered that returning to work might help him in some way, but they would never go for it. There was no denying that he had a somewhat stressful job, and that it was likely stress that had caused him issues in the first place, but part of him thought that if he could just get things slightly back to normal he would be able to go back to being him. The only issue was the possibility that going back to normal meant going back to the "new normal", the one where Donna no longer worked with him, but instead with the man sleeping soundly in his bed, with absolutely no clue what was going on.

His thoughts began to drift back to Donna, and the fact that any minute now, she would be walking through his door, and he would have to talk to her. She wasn't going to let this not sleeping thing go. For some reason, the thought of her face made his heart speed up, and before he knew it, he was practically gasping for air. No matter how much he tried to slow down his breaths, he couldn't, making him light headed and making his hands tingle uncomfortably. This could not be happening now - not with Louis here, not with Donna about to arrive. He had to be okay, he had to stop this right now.

He stood up somewhat unsteadily and headed to where he had left his pills this morning on the kitchen counter. He took one but knew it wouldn't work for at least another half an hour, that wouldn't be quick enough. He gulped it down with a glass of water and then drank the rest of it in a desperate attempt to calm down, but it didn't work. He found himself leaning on the counter to try and stable himself, but nothing seemed to have any effect.

"Harvey?"

It was a shock to see Harvey like that, struggling to get in a breath, eyes wide with panic, sweat forming across his skin, but what was worse was the helpless feeling of watching him struggle and not having a damned clue what to do.


	16. Chapter 16

He froze when he heard Louis' voice. Shit. He wasn't supposed to see him like this. Of course he had known what was going on, but he wasn't supposed to see it, Harvey didn't want him to see it.

It wasn't just awkward for him, Louis had no clue what to do with himself. It was no secret that he wasn't the best in the world at communicating with or understanding people. And Harvey wasn't just people, he was Harvey. What should one do when a usually strong, emotionless, impenetrable man breaks down before them? Comfort them? Leave them be? Pretend you didn't see it?

There was a second where they just stood and stared at each other, one trying to desperately calm himself down and the other trying to think about what he should do. He could see Harvey needed help, but would he want it from him? Before either could do anything else, the apartment door flew open and Donna practically ran over when she saw them. She didn't think twice about consoling Harvey, leaping straight into action, as expected and knowing the exact thing to say, the exact thing to do.

He watched as she lead the man over to the couch and sat him down, sitting down next to him as he leant forward, holding his head in his hands. She began to rub her hand up and down his back, and unsurprisingly, he didn't flinch or move away, he welcomed it. It was comforting, her touch grounded him a little, and, eventually, he calmed down enough to lift his head back up and look her in the eyes. Sure, his hand was still trembling slightly, every now and then his breath hitched in his throat and he still felt generally shaken, but she was here.

Louis couldn't help but feel like he was intruding. Not only that, but he recognised his mistake. Donna was not just a secretary to Harvey, she never had been, and everyone knew that. But nobody knew just how important to him she was; nobody had witnessed what he had just seen before him. Proof that he could quite literally not breathe without her near. He wasn't sure how to feel about it. On the one hand, he knew this meant he would need to start looking for a new secretary, but on the other, nothing could compare to the relief he felt when he saw her take control and alleviate the situation. There was something between them that he could not describe, and he didn't want to get in the way of that.

She studied Harvey's face closely, not that he noticed since his eyes were darting all over the room. She had no clue how he was still awake. It may not have been obvious to everyone, but she could see the bags under his eyes, the slightly paler tone to his skin, even his eyes looked different, the way he held himself was different - he was exhausted. She knew the best way for him to relax a little would be to sleep, but that wouldn't happen on the couch, no matter how comfortable it was. The last thing she wanted to do was force him to do anything he didn't want to, but she knew that if she didn't make him sleep, chances are he wouldn't.

"I'm just getting up to get you some water, then I'll be back okay, then why don't we go into the bedroom and get some rest?"

She wasn't entirely sure he had heard, but at this point she reckoned that as long as she could get him into a bed, he would be out like a light.

Filling the glass with the tap, she turned to Louis.

"Would you mind sleeping on the couch, I was going to take him into the bedroom, so he can sleep properly."

Louis nodded and smiled, not quite sure how to feel. He was glad he was no longer responsible, although he did feel a little tossed to the side. Tonight had been his chance to prove to the others, and himself, that he didn't just care about himself, that he could be personable and help Harvey out - because he couldn't help but feel a little responsible. He had taken Donna away from him, now he had to fix it.

Once she had placed the glass in the bedroom, she went back and they walked across the condo together. He seemed reluctant to get into bed, but eventually did so, not closing his eyes.

It was taking everything in him not to fall asleep there and then, but he had to stay awake, he couldn't feel that kind of fear again. He didn't want to be trapped in his own body, unable to control what was happening around him. Unfortunately for him though, his eyes didn't seem to have the same idea, and he could feel them closing until he couldn't keep them open anymore. He didn't even fall asleep, the only thing it took for his eyes to bolt back open was the feeling of drifting into unconsciousness.

She could see him tense up and heard his breathing starting to speed up again, before he had had a chance to protest to her or do anything, he felt her body press against his own. His heart immediately began to slow down. Just the feeling of her skin against his was enough to relax him, not that that was shocking to either of them.

"Harvey, you need to sleep." She whispered into his ear once he had settled slightly.

"I know I do, but I just can't."

His voice sounded so broken down, so different to the usually strong, quick witted Harvey Specter she and so many others had become accustomed to over the years. She reached up and placed her hand gently on his shoulder.

"Talk to me, tell me what's going on."

There was a pause, and for a moment, she wondered if she'd overstepped again. The only other time she had ever wondered that was after she told him she loved him, for a fleeting moment as she had walked away from his office, she had brought her hand up to her mouth to stop her from screaming as she wondered what the hell she had just done.

"It's like I'm awake, but I'm asleep."

She was a little surprised that he actually told her. Sure she had hoped he would, but she didn't think he actually would.

"I wake up, and I try to move, but I can't. I try to talk, but nothing. That's not even the worst part. It's the things I see, the things I can't escape. It feels like there's a dozen boulders pinning me down, pressing on my chest. It's like-"

He started to fade off then, now unable to describe anything through his strained breaths. She found herself whispering sweet nothings into his ear, anything to try to get him to focus on her and only her. After a while, it seemed to work.

With their bodies intertwined, his arm around her, her leg over him, the lawyer finally fell asleep, and actually slept. He was calm and relaxed in her embrace, and she took comfort in the fact that she could feel his heart beating at a regular rate, she could hear him breathing deeply but calmly. Eventually, the redhead too felt her eyes close, and there they slept peacefully until the sun shining through the large panel windows awoke them the next day.


	17. Chapter 17

By the time Harvey woke up, Donna was already out of bed. He was a little disappointed not to see her smiling face when he rolled over, or not to feel her body pressed against his like it had been when he had drifted off to sleep a few hours ago. For a while, he just lay there, remembering the familiar feeling of being so close to her, feeling her breath on his neck and still being able to smell the remnants of her sweet perfume on his pillow.

Eventually, he managed to drag himself out of the bed, still slightly tired from not having slept in so long, but also energised in a way he had not been in what felt like forever. For the first time in a long time, he was ready for whatever the day would bring. He decided to have a shower, because as much as he hated to wash her smell off of him, he knew it would get his day off to a better start, besides he hadn't had one last night because no way in hell was he going to get undressed with Louis in the next room.

As the water continued to flow over Donna's hair and down her body, she closed her eyes and relived last night over and over. She wasn't sure why it had seemed so intimate to her. They had definitely done more before, but something about this had felt more special. She had comforted him. The sheer fact that her body was beside his, that she was there, had calmed him, and this felt like they had crossed a line more than the time they had slept together. The difference was that that had just been sex, last night was her seeing him at his worst, and him not being afraid to show it. It was him being completely open with her and actually telling her how he felt without her having to pry it out of him.

It was him being vulnerable.

She was so focused on that, that she didn't hear the bathroom door open as she turned off the water, and he was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't realise that there was already steam formed on the mirror.

Eyes closed to stop the water running into them, she wrung her hair to try and get at least some of the water out and twisted it to the side. Absentmindedly, Harvey reached out and pulled his shower door open, stepping in and crashing into a completely naked, dripping wet Donna, who just happened to be turning to leave.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, kicking herself for letting that escape from her mouth.

In absolute shock, she stepped back, her arm hitting the nozzle and causing water to rapidly pour over them.

Neither of them knew what to feel. Embarrassment was the first thing that sprung to mind, but then they wondered why. They had spent the last night pressed against each other and they had each seen the other without clothes on before. The next was amazement.

She hadn't seen him naked for a long time, and for some reason, in the last 12 years, had never stopped to wonder what was hidden beneath the suit he was almost always clad in, but she was amazed. He was in the same, if not better, shape than he was in all those years ago, and she could feel the heat on her cheeks rising as her eyes drifted up and down her boss' now dripping body.

"Are you blushing?" He asked, a smirk on his face.

She didn't reply, knowing full well he could see it as clear as day.

As for him, well he was in complete and utter awe. He had known she was pretty, he had known he was attracted to her, but there was something about seeing her there, like that, that made his heart race and made him question why he had ever let her walk away thinking he didn't feel the same way as she did.

"I-uh-"

She didn't even know how to end that sentence as they stood there, eyes locked on each other under the warm water.

"I shouldn't have-"

He didn't finish either. Both of them were breathless, neither wanting to move, or ruin the moment, but not knowing what to do next.

Before either of them really thought about what they were doing, they both started to move in closer, until they could feel the other's breath on their lips. For what felt like a lifetime, but in reality was probably only a few seconds, they hovered there, pausing to ask themselves if they really wanted to do what they were about to do. Did they want to cross this line again? Both their minds were racing. Both of their hearts were threatening to burst out of their chests.

Then, their lips touched. It was brief, but it was amazing. The few seconds they spent with their lips locked, the only other thing between them being the water that ran down their faces, made both of them forget their embarrassment. But then, she pulled back, no explanation, and left quickly, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around herself as she emerged from the bathroom - leaving him stood there, confused and now cold under the water without her.

Neither of them knew that Louis was still there. Well, the forgot. They had both been so caught up in their racing thoughts about the night before that it had completely slipped their minds. For him, it was quite a shock to hear Donna exclaim in such a high-pitched manner as he heard the shower running. Then hearing their voices, both of them, he tried to come up with as many innocent explanations as he could.

But, as Donna scurried out of the bathroom, putting on a towel and looking more flustered than he had ever seen her, and Harvey followed swiftly after, wrapping a towel around his bottom half, both of them dripping wet, he gasped in shock.

"What the hell just happened?" He half-shouted as they burst out into the bedroom.

Both of them turned to see him stood up by the couch, mouth wide open, and Donna had to grip to her towel to stop it from falling down.

"Not now Louis!" They both exclaimed.

"I'll just give you two a moment, I need to go and buy a paper anyway."

Once he had left the apartment, their eyes met. They both opened their mouths to say something.

"You go first." They said in unison.

"I'm sorry, Harvey, I shouldn't have-"

"Why did you run away?" He interrupted.

His outburst shocked her. It was a valid question, she was t sure herself of the answer, but she still stared at him, dumbfounded for a moment as she tried to come up with an explanation. One that made sense. One that wasn't just, I got scared. As he waited for her to answer, he felt his heart begin to race - not now, he told himself.

"I was trying to protect you!" She blurted out eventually.

He didn't know how to feel about that. He knew that he should be outraged at the fact that she thought he needed protecting, she sure as hell had been when he had done the same thing to her, but it didn't bother him in that way. He didn't mind that she wanted to help him, although he would never admit it, and it would be completely different were it anyone else. It reminded him of when she used to sit outside his office, fiercely guarding him and batting away all potential distractions; leaping at the chance to defend him, even breaking the law to protect him.

"I'm gonna go and put some clothes on." She said before he had the chance to respond. "You can go shower, I promise I won't come in."

They looked at each other for a while before eventually going their separate ways.

By the time he got out of the shower, she was sat in the apartment, and Louis was just leaving to head to the office. She had a coffee in front of her, and poured one for him when she saw him.

"If you wanna head off with Louis to work, you can."

"I actually meant to talk to you about that."

She took a pause to sip her drink as he sat down next to her at the counter, pulling his cup towards him.

"What?"

She took a breath.

"Louis and I were just talking, he told me that when you come back, he's gonna let me go."

He looked puzzled for a moment.

"Are you saying you're coming back to me?"

A smile grew on his face even from just saying the words. As he did, a million memories of them laughing, strolling through the halls of the firm and late nights they spent together flooded through his mind.

"Do you want me to?"

She knew what he would say, he could tell by the playful glint in her eye and the way she cocked her eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Then, yes, I am."

Both of them were happy, smiling inside and out, but one thing lingered in the back of both of their minds. Their kiss. The brief moment of bliss they had shared minutes ago was playing over and over in their heads and as each one sipped their coffee, they asked themselves if that was what they really wanted.


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note:** I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update but I have just finished my exams and the last few weeks have been hectic! I am finally on summer now though so there will be less of a wait - I've already written some of the next chapter. Please stick with the story, and once again, I'm sorry for the tardiness - enjoy the chapter!

* * *

Her fingers tapped on the keyboard and her eyes squinted as she moved the computer mouse across the screen to adjust Louis' calendar. It was in a few short moments that the phone rang and she picked it up, sitting up straight and smiling to sound happier.

"Louis Litt's office."

There was a pause and it felt like ages until she heard a voice.

"You're gonna have to get used to saying my name again, because I won't have you answering my phone like that." He joked.

"Oh please, the phrase "Harvey Specter's office" is practically etched into my brain." She replied as she chuckled slightly, and so did he on the other end of the line.

"Why are you calling, is something wrong? Where's Rachel?"

He couldn't help but smile when he heard the slightly worried tone in her voice.

"Everything's fine. Rachel is in the kitchen because unlike you, she doesn't tend to join me in the shower."

"I think you'll find it was you who joined me."

They both paused for a second to appreciate how natural this felt. How much like the old times it was. It felt like things were finally going back to normal, and they would be completely back soon, when he returned to work.

Donna didn't even have to look up to know who was stood before her. The sound of her expensive shoes clicking on the ground and her natural and elegant perfume hitting her nose - she knew it was Jessica, and she could only imagine she was there for a Harvey update.

"Listen, I need to go, but I'll call you back later, okay?"

It had been a few days since she had agreed to go back to Harvey, he was due to come back at the beginning of next week provided all was well; she couldn't help but get a little tingly feeling whenever she passed by his office and saw her desk waiting for her. Of course, Gretchen was sat there, but it had been decided that Louis would take her. She had already started sorting and rearranging his office to exactly the way he liked it, they were only subtle changes, but he would notice, and she wanted it to be as though she had never left. The can opener was still in the top left drawer of her desk, just like she knew, and had checked, that the thumbtacks were still stored in that little gold box on his desk that he would never let anyone see the inside of - not that they would know what they were for anyway!

"How's he doing?"

She sounded reluctant to ask, almost as though she were afraid of the answer. It was so unlike her to be so tentative and it touched Donna a little. She had always known that Jessica and Harvey had a special bond, and it was nice to see her caring about him, not that she had ever doubted it for a second.

"Better, actually. In fact, why don't you spend the night. It's meant to be Louis' turn, and I'm sure he'd rather see you."

Donna didn't mention it, but it had also been quite awkward with Louis after the whole shower incident, she had hardly been able to look him in the eye let alone speak to him. And anyways, she was sure Harvey wouldn't mind spending the night with Jessica.

"I'll go and call him now, thanks Donna."

She smiled as she walked off.

"Anytime, Pearson." She said jokingly.

"We've spoken about you calling me that," she paused and broke into a smile, "Paulsen."

Both women laughed a little as she walked away and headed back to her office.

Later that evening, there was a knock at Harvey's door, and Rachel got up to answer it, expecting to see Louis.

"Jessica? Hi, I thought…" She didn't finish the sentence, but glanced up to the chart by his door to check for Louis' name.

"I know, Louis has been relieved from his duties."

Rachel smiled.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night."

Once they were alone, Jessica placed her bag down on the counter and went to sit opposite the man.

"Harvey."

"Jessica."

For a while they just sat there and enjoyed each other's company. As she looked at him, she wondered where the hell she had gone wrong. How on earth had she allowed Harvey Specter, her Harvey Specter, to become the shell of a man who she had seen in that hospital bed a couple of weeks ago? Of course, it wasn't completely her fault, but she should have intervened when she had first noticed that something was going on.

She didn't think she had ever been as scared as when she got a phone call from a distraught Mike saying that Harvey was in the hospital. She had never seen the usually calm and collected Donna so shaken. She had never felt her heart freeze like that before.

Once she had finally managed to drag Donna away from his bedside for long enough to actually sit down with him, she had thought back to when she first met him. He had threatened to report them because of something he had seen working in the mail room. Never in her years as a lawyer had she seen anyone, except perhaps Mike Ross, walk into her office with that much confidence and determination. That was how she had known he would be a great lawyer. He had that sparkle in his eye, he was tenacious and not afraid to stand up to her, or anyone.

Even after working as a lawyer for a few years, after most begin to become fed up with it, the job had still seemed to excite her puppy. When he won a case, he would get this smile on his face that she could try he was trying to hide. That was why she found it so amusing when she heard him berating Mike for being unprofessional and immature, because she knew that, deep down, he was the most immature person she had ever worked with.

Over the years they had worked together, she had seen him turn from her puppy to a big dog; he earned his seat at the grown ups' table. She guessed that was why she felt such a responsibility for him. She had plucked him out, she had handed him this life, she couldn't just desert him now that he was accustomed to it. She shouldn't have let her eye off the ball.

"I think it's time we talk." She said crossing her right leg over her left and leaning back into the sofa. He wondered how on earth he had got to the point where everyone was so comfortable in his home, but he guessed he was okay with it. At least she had kept her feet off of his furniture, unlike his completely oblivious associate.

"Before you ask, I wanna apologise. You were relying on me, and I let you down, I cost you money, and probably a couple of clients."

Before he could continue, she stopped him.

"Harvey."

The tone of her voice scared him a little, it was the way she used to speak when she was about to scold him for being too cocky and screwing something up, but he soon realised she just wanted him to shut up so she could talk.

"I'm the one who needs to apologise. I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there, and I ignored them because I never believed it would get this far."

"You and me both!" He joked.

She paused a little before she continued, taking in a deep breath.

"You wouldn't come without her, you spend all day with her, I should have known, I should have done something and I'm sorry I didn't."

It was strange for them to apologise to each other. Their conversations were usually witty; they were only ever serious if they were arguing about something or discussing business, they rarely touched on emotions. But then again, if either of them ever needed anyone, they knew they could go to each other.

"I'm having a drink, do you want one?"

She raised her eyebrows as he stood and walked over to where the tumblers and whiskey was.

"Not so fast. Don't think that Donna didn't show me the folder, you're not allowed to drink while you're on your meds."

He began to walk back to the sofa.

"Hey, I never said that I didn't want one, because if we are gonna talk feelings, I'm gonna need one."

He rolled his eyes and poured her a glass - she was still his boss after all. The next few minutes were silent, they just sat, listening to the fire crackling and enjoying the feeling of being together, with no deadline, no work drama shadowing over them.

"She's excited for you to come back you know."

He raised his eyebrows.

"She thinks I don't notice, but every day she makes a few trips to your office to make sure every thing is in order. She checks each and every record, makes sure the scotch is full, dusts the surfaces down, she even restocked the thumbtacks!"

He froze when she mentioned the thumbtacks.

"You know about that?"

"I'm not an idiot Harvey, I don't know what you do, and I don't want to, but I've seen the way the two of you scurry off together with those and the can opener before trial."

He was a little shocked. All these years he had thought they were being subtle, but apparently not. Who else knew about it? He really hoped that no one knew what it actually involved - he'd like to remain somewhat respected when he went back.

"So, as much as I'm enjoying this, I have therapy in the morning, and apparently I'm not allowed to be late, so how's the sleeping situation gonna work?"

He seemed ashamed to admit it, like it was a bad thing that he was getting help, but she was also glad not only that he was being responsible, but also that he felt comfortable enough around her to tell her.

She finished the drink in one swig before answering.

"Separately."

They both smirked as he stood and headed to his room.

"Goodnight, Jessica."

"Night, Harvey."

Once he got into his room, he changed out of his clothes and brushed his teeth. Just as he was about to turn out the lights, his phone buzzed and he couldn't help but feel a grin grow on his face when he saw her name.

"Donna."


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note:** I know, I promised I'd update soon, but here is a chapter and to make up for it, here's a deal:

If you've all seen the new season 8 trailer, you know the one with the strawberries and whipped cream, here's what I ask:

PM me, or comment if you don't have an account, with your theory on what they did the other time with the whipped cream and strawberries and I will write each one and have them published before season 8 comes out.

This book will also be updated soon and I have a few other one-shots written, some Darvey and some featuring Mike, because who doesn't miss him already?

* * *

Sat on his couch, Harvey basked in the emptiness of his apartment as he thought back to his therapy session that morning. He hadn't wanted to go, he never did, but even he had to admit that it was helping him somewhat. He hadn't been having nearly as many panic attacks as he had before, although he still had the odd one every now and then. He had noticed, however, that he could calm himself down from them much better than he had been able to before - so that was progress. He had also been able to sleep better. Dr Agard had put it down to him making up with Donna, but he wasn't sure, either way, he was doing better.

Taking in a breath and letting it out slowly, he lifted the tumbler to his lips and let the dark brown liquid flow into his mouth. It felt so good to finally taste it on his tongue after what felt like ages. Donna had banned him from drinking, and no one watching him dared to break her instructions, she would surely find out if they did. But now, alone at last, he could finally kick back and enjoy a glass or two of Macallan 18 in peace.

He swallowed the whiskey as Otis Redding's Change Gonna Come drifted through the apartment. He welcomed the slight burn in his throat and relaxed into the warm feeling that filled his insides.

The last time he has felt this warm and fuzzy inside was when he was lying there, his body intertwined with Donna's; that was all he could think of as he sipped his drink in silence. He could still feel her on his skin, smell her sweet aroma, and hear her gentle breaths. Everything about her was ingrained into his mind, and he could come back to the image of her at any time.

He had met many people over the years, seen many faces, but her's was still as clear as day, in the forefront of his mind. Harvey could describe every single one of her features in great detail. The freckles that cover her gorgeously pale skin; her bouncy red locks of hair that, styled or not, always look gorgeous and soft; her entrancing hazel eyes - he could stare into them forever and not regret a single second.

One thing that most who met either one of them noticed, was that they couldn't stop talking about each other. No matter where they are, be it a date, business lunch or casual encounter, each topic of conversation led Harvey back to Donna. She was in most of his stories, and he was in nearly all of her's. When they were in a room, they would always find each other's eyes, even in a crowd of 100 or more - they would find each other. That was of course, if they weren't already stood side by side, mingling with the crowd together, because let's face it, it was a rare occurrence to see either of them without the other.

A smile grew on his face as he looked down to check his watch. He had hopefully asked her if he could have one night to himself before coming back to work, and was surprised when she said yes. Of course, she wouldn't be Donna if there weren't conditions. The first was that he had to promise to eat dinner and not do any work. She wanted him to have a stress free night. The second was that he had to call her at 11 pm sharp or she would assume something was wrong and call 911. Seeing the time, and thank god he had checked when he did, he picked up his phone from the table and unlocked it. Her name was at the top of his recent calls list, and he pressed it, placing the phone to his ear. Before the phone had even rung completely, she answered.

"Hi." He said, and he heard her release a breath once she heard his voice.

"You okay?"

She was so rushed as she spoke, it was kinda cute that she worried about him like this.

"I'm fine."

There was a pause as she exhaled gratefully.

"Were you waiting by the phone all night?" He asked her, full well knowing that the answer was yes, but giving her the chance to deny it, which of course, she did.

"No, of course not."

He didn't say anything, sensing that there was more, which of course there was.

"Just the last couple of hours."

"I knew it!" He exclaimed, excited in a way that would have seemed out of character to anyone but her. It was no secret that they were always more open around each other, but no one knew how much they actually let their guard down when they were alone. If you didn't know any better, you could very easily mistake them to be married.

"Is it so bad that I worry about you?"

He could tell she was smiling coyly on the other end of the phone.

"No, it's a good thing - but you should know I'm drinking now."

For a split second, he thought she was going to tell, but after a pause, she just started to laugh.

"You really think I didn't know? Please, I can hear Otis Redding in the background, and you never listen to him without a glass of whiskey in your hand."

She was doing her Donna thing again, he loved it and hated it. Hated it because he couldn't get away with anything, she could always figure him out. It was usually an advantage, but he could also never surprise her, not even for her birthday. On the other hand, he loved it. He liked seeing her face light up as the cogs in her brain turned.

"That's not true!" He said, having thought of something to prove her wrong - which was a rare occurrence. "What about the time in my office, you know when you-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there." She said, quickly interrupting him before he could say anymore. "Besides, you would have had whiskey in your hand if we hadn't already drunk it all."

She paused for a moment as he accepted that, once again, she was correct.

"And you are never to bring up what I did or did not do that night ever again, we clear pretty boy?"

He couldn't help but widen his eyes at that last part.

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Goodnight, Harvey." She chuckled.

"Night, Don."

Putting down the phone he couldn't wipe the smirk off of his face. Something about her just had that effect on him. He wasn't sure what it was, it could be her wit, her intuition, or anything, all he knew was that she made him happier than anyone else on the planet. She was more like family to him than those he was actually related to.

There he sat, for a while longer, until, eventually, his glass was empty and the record was beginning to come to an end. Deciding to call it a night, he headed to his bathroom and brushed his teeth, slowly heading back towards his room and climbing into his large, inviting bed. The good mood he was in made him think that tonight, he would sleep well. After all, he was in bed early, he had had a relaxing day, and he was going back to work tomorrow. He was getting better.

But he was sorely mistaken.

For the first few hours, he slept like a baby, nothing would wake the man as he lay there peacefully, but then, something in his brain clicked.

Opening his eyes, he found himself unable to breathe, the weight of 100 boulders pressing down on his chest. He tried to sit himself up, that usually calmed him down, but he couldn't. His hands were glued to his sides, his body frozen - paralysed. Trying to look around, his eyes darted from side to side and his breath hitched when, for a second, he swore he saw someone stood by the side of his bed. He swallowed, it tasted like iron.

The only thing he could think to do was squeeze his eyes shut, and try to breathe until he could wake up for real. So that's what he did. It took everything in him to keep his eyes closed, but he resisted the urge to open them every time he heard a scream or felt something brush over him, until it finally passed.


	20. Chapter 20

Harvey's eyes shot open as he bolted up. He could feel the sweat on his forehead. Usually, he could calm himself down pretty quickly after waking up, but this was not the case. Breathing faster and faster with each thump of his heart, he looked to his side, for some reason hoping to see Donna there - but he knew deep down that she wasn't. He tried everything Dr. Agard had taught him, but nothing seemed to be working.

Deep breaths only made him more lightheaded, which started the cycle of panic all over again; trying to do the senses thing and name five things he could see, four he could hear and so on, stopped being effective when his sight started to blur from the hyperventilation and a ringing filled his ears, blocking out any other sound. Even thinking happy thoughts, which was a last resort, wasn't working, because all he could think about was Donna, and the fact that she wasn't there.

Bringing his knees up to his chest, he placed his head down onto them and grabbed the sides of it with his hands. He knew it wouldn't work, but he somehow hoped that if he curled up into a ball, he could hide from the extreme torment that his mind seemed to be putting him through.

He wasn't sure how long he was like that for, but by three, he had managed to climb out of bed and get a glass of water. With no intention of going back to sleep after that horrific experience, he sat on his couch, wide awake but in a daze, for hours until he was interrupted.

Harvey heard a knocking at his door and tried to ignore it for as long as he could, but eventually he became tired of the persistent banging and shouting coming from none other than Mike Ross and went to open it.

"What?" He practically shouted in his associate's face.

Mike was shocked to see Harvey this mad. He knew that he had been through a lot, but he had been much better the last few times he had come to see him, and he had been due back to work today, and quite frankly, he was concerned that he hadn't shown.

"Can I come in?"

Harvey didn't say a word, he just shrugged and walked into his apartment, falling onto the sofa and waiting expectantly for Mike to say something. The younger was worried. He could see bags under Harvey's eyes, like he hadn't slept at all, there was a glass of whiskey on the table and his face looked puffy. Not just that, but he looked completely drained of energy. He was wearing a white t-shirt and baggy black sweats, which was something else he wasn't expecting. The other times he had come over he was at least wearing pants.

Mike sat down and looked him in the eyes, but it was immediately broken when Harvey stared down at the ground.

"Harvey, what's going on?"

He got no response as his boss continued to stare down at the ground.

"We're worried, Harvey. Donna is sat outside your office just staring at it, waiting for you to come in. I had to lie to her to stop her from rushing over here."

"I'm fine, I'm just tired that's all, tell her I'll be in this afternoon." He made it sound like he cared less than he did. All he wanted to do was see her after what had happened earlier that morning, but not like this. He couldn't tell her that he had nearly broken down again because she wasn't by his side, it would only make her feel bad for having let him stay alone.

"Now, either sit there and drink with me, or leave me to enjoy this in peace." He said, finally looking up at Mike and taking a swig of his drink.

"No, we're gonna talk about this now, Harvey, put the drink down."

He was growing more and more frustrated by the second. He didn't want to shout at his friend, not while he was in this state, but he didn't seem to be able to communicate with him in any other way.

"For god's sake!" Mike exclaimed, standing up and beginning to pace around the apartment. "We have all been walking on egg shells around you because we want you to get better but I can't anymore. I need you to tell me what the hell is going on with you because you scared the shit out of me at the office that night! I won't tell Jessica, Louis, Rachel or even Donna but I need to know that you're okay. Please, just say something."

But he didn't, and with no explanation, he walked over to his record player and placed the needle on the disc. It started a bit of the way in to a jazz song. Then, he poured himself and Mike a glass of whiskey, sitting down where he was before and passing him one of the tumblers.

"My dad. When I was a kid, whenever I got too in my head, put too much pressure on myself, he would take his hands and place them on both sides of my head. He'd say "breathe with me." Then we'd just sit there, breathing together until it passed. He was the only one. It was worse when he was on tour. My mom didn't care, she was too busy with Bobby, and Marcus had his own problems. But my dad, he kept me in check."

Harvey flopped back down onto the couch as Mike just stared at him with disbelief.

"Then he died."

He stopped again, taking another sip and gesturing for Mike to do the same.

"Harvey, you don't have to-"

Mike realised then that he may have overstepped the line. He had only ever heard Harvey talk about his dad a handful of times, and even then it was brief. From what he understood they were close, and Harvey went to visit his grave every year. When he started to work for Harvey he had quickly learnt that some topics were off limits to everyone - everyone except Donna that is. He had a feeling this was one of those topics reserved for her ears only.

"She took his place. She became my compass, my confidante, my best friend, my home. Everything that he was to me, she became."

Harvey took another sip and blinked, trying to rid his eyes of the tears that were rapidly beginning to form.

"And then she left me."

The next pause was longer than Mike liked. He watched as Harvey closed his eyes for a second, trying to gather his breath as he felt his chest tighten. The younger of the two began to worry, but it seemed that Harvey had a grip on it, because after a few seconds he opened his eyes and looked directly at Mike.

"Harvey, she came back, okay? She is sat right outside your office, answering your phone, making sure everything is perfect for when you walk back in."

Harvey didn't know what to do. He just sat there, drink in hand, trying to figure out if he should tell the truth, or if he should suck it up and get dressed.

"What if it's not the same? What if we're broken beyond repair?"

Mike had never seen Harvey so vulnerable. It was like all his walls were down, and he wasn't keeping any secrets, just saying whatever was on his mind. He liked it, getting to know him a bit better, but he also missed the Harvey he could joke around with.

"Please, you two are like Ross and Rachel - she's your lobster."

He was very aware that he had just quoted Friends, and also that Harvey had said from the start that he was not allowed to do that, but luckily for him, he seemed too buried in his own thoughts to notice.

Harvey eventually pushed himself off of the couch to go and get dressed, giving Mike a confused look as he stood to follow him.

"I can get dressed by myself."

As he was about to enter into his room, he turned back to face Mike.

"And really, my lobster?"

Maybe he hadn't gotten away with it.

"Yeah, you see they mate for life and hold claws, you know? With the-" He began to mime lobsters walking together and Harvey couldn't help but smile a bit.

"Stop talking."

Back at the office, Donna was incessantly tapping her blue pen on the desk. She had been he first one in that morning, sat at her desk since seven waiting for him to come in. Of course she wasn't expecting him then, but she wanted to make sure that everything was perfect when he arrived, it had to be just like the old times.

She had placed his favourite record in the player for when they inevitably would listen to it at the end of the day; she had refilled the decanter so he could have a drink if he needed it; she had placed the relevant files on his desk in the order of his schedule; and she had confirmed all of his meetings.

By the time it had reached 8 she had his coffee on her desk. When it went cold, she replaced it, and kept doing so.

When it reached 9, she started to worry. It was very likely that he had just overslept and that he was in fact fine, or that he wanted to only do a half day, but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with him. Ever since that night she had felt more protective of him, and always got a weird feeling in her stomach whenever he was late or seemed a little off his game. It sounded silly to everyone else, but she felt she owed it to him to make sure he was okay.

Just as she was about to go over, Mike stopped her, saying that he would go instead, and that she should focus on making sure everything was in order for his return, which of course it already was. Which meant she could only wait. She had nothing to do but sit and worry about the state he was in. Mike would call if there was something wrong, wouldn't he? He did that night.

She decided to get up after a while and walk around, needing to destress before he arrived. Nothing about her sat there with a frown on her face and wide eyes said everything was back to normal.

Each hall she walked down felt like it went on for an eternity, then she heard the elevator door ding. She quickly sped up, managing, in true Donna fashion, to time it perfectly enough that the two of them crossed paths as smoothly as ever.

"You're here." Was all she said as they immediately fell back into their old rhythm of walking side by side, stepping at the same time.

"I am."

When the two of them strutted through the firm, people moved out of the way to let them past. It was like some kind of unwritten rule of Pearson Specter Litt.

They both slowed slightly taking a moment to look to the other and smile before turning to face the direction they were walking and return to their original pace, neither missing a beat.

Once they reached his office, she followed him in as usual to make sure he knew what was going on case-wise that day and to give him his calendar, but, for a woman who was always 3 steps ahead, she wasn't expecting what happened next.

In less time than it took for her heart to beat, he pulled her in close and crashed his lips into hers. She was taken aback, but soon relaxed into it, allowing herself to completely loose herself in him. He eventually pulled away, but lingered for a second longer than he needed to, feeling her warm breath hit his lips.

Before she could say anything, and with his heart still racing, he spoke.

"I woke up this morning, and was terrified when you weren't by my side."

Her eyes were staring straight into his, darting from side to side, following his wherever they went.

"I never wanna feel that scared again."

It took her a moment to come to her senses, for her to step back and snap back to the reality of them being at work, in a room with glass for walls.

"Harvey, are you sure you wanna do this?"

He was about to answer, but a voice at the door interrupted him.

"Mr Specter, Ms Paulsen, Ms Pearson would like to see you."

Jessica's secretary walked slightly ahead of them down the hall, and as they walked, he slipped his hand into her's.

"I'm sure."

It was just a whisper, but it couldn't be mistaken. Both of their hearts skipped a beat when he said it. Him because he was so glad he had finally admitted to it and her because she had finally managed to get him to admit it.

The rest of the day was a series of stolen glances, no more obvious than usual, but instead of a look of yearning, it was a look of excitement, sparks flying across the room between them. Each time they were side by side, their hands were somehow interlaced, her letting him know that she was there and there to stay. Every now and again he would glance out of his office just to make sure she was still there, and sure enough, as though she could predict it, her eyes flicked almost immediately to his, giving him peace of mind.

When the end of the day rolled around, he left his office and sat on the edge of her desk.

"We need to celebrate." She said very matter if factly.

"I'll get the can opener." He responded, pushing himself off of the desk, but she grabbed his arm to stop him.

"No, we need to _celebrate_." She was speaking slowly, suggesting something that he had thought would forever be off the table.

"You don't mean..? You're finally gone let me..? And properly this time?"

All of his questions would have seemed cryptic to anyone else, but to her it was crystal clear.

"Just take yes for an answer." She raised her eyebrows and he smirked, a glint in his eye.

"Meet me at mine in half an hour, you remember what we need?"

"Of course I do." He smiled, "Strawberries, whipped cream and-"

In lieu of saying the last thing, he raised his eyebrows suggestively and she simply brushed her body up against him, walking away without glancing back, deliberately swaying her hips a little more than usual and knowing that he was stood there watching her walk away, the only difference was, this time, he couldn't wipe the smile off of his face.

 **That is the end!**

 **Thank you to all those of you who stayed with the book until the end, I know the slow updates were frustrating, but I have another Darvey book coming out soon, which will be updated more regularly, as well as some one-shots.**

 **Also, I am still taking ideas for the strawberries and whipped cream one-shots collection, so feel free to send those to me (info in previous chapter).**

 **I hope you all liked the way it turned out, please let me know what you thought :)**


End file.
